


Curtains Down

by yanderekirklandchan



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anne Is Awesome And Understanding, Can I Ever Write Something Without Angst and Gayness, Depression, First Time, Fluff, Happy Ending, I need to stop tagging but I can't, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Phillip Needs a Hug, Phillip kinda thought he was asexual, Self-Harm, Slow-building Relationship, So Does Phineas, So Is Charity, Suicide Attempt, Those precious idiots don't realise they're gay, smut in later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-03-07 06:51:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 22,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13429188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanderekirklandchan/pseuds/yanderekirklandchan
Summary: The Circus is up and running again, excited audiences coming in like mad. They've got money again, the fire is barely a distant memory and both the performances and their popularity are better than ever before. So why are both Barnum and Carlyle's personal lives tearing at the seams?Acting can be addictive and whether it's spinning illusions on a stage or living up to the expectations of society if you get to used to the act you can lose your true feelings along the way.((Look at tags for warnings. M/M slash fic))





	1. Curtains Down

Barnum threw all of his energy into that final, perfectly accentuated move then held still, letting the torrents of applause wash over him. His smile was as bright as the lights that hit him from every angle as he basked in the adrenaline rush he got from every performance. The applause, the adrenaline, the feeling of being a part of that perfectly working machine which included all his friends; this was surely heaven.

It was one of those days that he took the role of Ringmaster instead of Carlyle, they had gotten into a pattern of taking it in turns. He took it on weekdays so he could spend weekends with his family, Phillip took it on weekends. He had more days but Carlyle had more numbers (weekends were often more popular), they were a good balancing act.

And sometimes Barnum's life really did feel like the most complex of all balancing acts but it was worth it for moments like these. It was almost as if he too was swept away with the illusion he had constructed. His circus was a world in its own right, tucked safely away from the real world, it was perfect, polished and filled with wonder; the perfect escape for men and women of all sorts.

But all illusions must fade and the curtains must always drop. Far too soon, Barnum found himself in the very same room looking around at the 'truth', the empty seats and barren stage. The whole room felt like a ghost, the emptiness further emphasised by the way only shortly prior this place was as bursting with life as the centre of the universe. Who's to say his show was a 'lie' and this was not?

In Barnum's opinion it was a large flaw in humanity that they all seemed set on accepting the bad things and distrusting the good. But if that was what humans did then what did that make him? A freak. An outcast even more so than any other act in the show because for them the show allowed them to be true to themselves and for him it was a way to entangle himself further in illusion, pretending to be someone he was not supposed to be.

But who said what he was supposed to be and wasn't? He was P. T. Barnum and when he was on the stage, in his suit, directing a flourish of wonder then he was right where he was meant to be. With that thought firmly assured in his mind, Phineas set off on his journey home.  
*******  
Barnum closed the door as delicately as he could, not wanting to wake anyone who may be asleep. In a similarly quiet fashion, he discarded his coat and walked in. "I'm home." He said soft enough so as not to wake anyone but loud enough so that his family could hear and would know it was him not an intruder.

He walked into the sitting room and sat down on a sofa, exhaling and his whole body seeming to deflate with it. It was not like it had been in the past when he had worked for a series of jobs he hated and that drained both the energy and the joy from him. He loved his job, but there was something wrong. Not necessarily with his job but with his life in general.

He could not place it, couldn't even begin to try, and it was nagging at the back of his mind, teetering on the tip of his tongue with nothing more helpful than a mantra of wrongwrongwrong. Living with it was increasingly draining every day and he couldn't set it right because he simply did not know what was wrong.

"Phineas, you're home." The soft, delicate voice of Charity was like a balm to his incessantly aching mind. Like a man in a desert to a mirage, he stumbled towards her, pulling her into an embrace. Charity giggled, kissing his cheek "Good to see you too, sweetheart." She said as they broke from each other's arms.

"The girls are in bed, they should be asleep by now." Charity informed, drawing the curtains as Barnum sat back down. Phineas nodded, ignoring the unjustified feeling of sadness and loneliness that started to fill him. "My sleeping beauties, I'll go and check later on." He said with a quickly composed smile.

Charity smiled fondly and tilted his chin up to kiss her "I'll head to bed too, my love. It's been a long day for me and the girls, we went to see the new garden that's opened in that park. It was beautiful, you must come with us some time. We could have a picnic. Don't rush for me, darling, but don't stay up too late. There's dinner in the kitchen." Barnum nodded his understanding and smiled, this one even more fake than the last. "Alright, my angel, sleep well."  
"Good night, Phineas."  
"Goodnight."

And with that he was alone once again. If the stage had seemed like a ghost to him then this was a corpse. Barnum sighed and slumped back in the chair, running his hands over his eyes. The loneliness, the forced aura was in his head. His family was as it had always been, stress and tiredness just put a dark filter on the world.

If he told Charity how he was feeling she'd simply laugh kind heartedly and pull him into an embrace and tell him everything was okay. He kept telling himself that too but he simply could not stay here, sitting on the sofa alone in a dark room in a sleeping house, so he stood abruptly, picked up his coat once more and left.  
*******  
Barnum was not someone who frequented bars but sometimes there was nothing in the universe that would satisfy the soul quite like the atmosphere and liquid poison of a good old fashioned bar. It was also quite nice to have casual discussions with people you'd never meet again and who were also drinking away their own problems. It was a refreshing way to see that society wasn't as polish-perfect as it pretended to be.

Barnum was not, however, expecting to run into any familiar faces at the bar. So it certainly took him of guard to find Phillip already sitting there and looking like the half-empty whisky glass in his hand was definitely not his first. He had seen that look on his partner's face once before and that was that night he had approached him about the circus, just before Carlyle had become aware he was being watched.

It was a strange look for Carlyle's normally composed, regal face and yet the ease in which those sad eyes and that near desperate frown fitted his features suggested it was certainly not new. It wasn't a revelation to see the supposedly perfect, infamous Carlyle upset, it was him who had been the one to point out his misery in the cold upperclass world afterall. He had just figured Phillip would be happier now.

Barnum briefly hesitated in the doorway, wondering if he should just turn in for the night like Charity and the girls and grant Carlyle is privacy. But even as the thought formed in his head he knew he could not. There was something pulling him towards Phillip right then and somehow he knew it was more than just concern for his good friend.


	2. Whisky and Missery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if you don't see Phillip as gay he just is in my story. I think that's easier than having to make up some other reason for him to break up with Anne. I like her and Charity so I didn't want to have them get into fights so it seemed best to make Phillip and Phineas gay.

Carlyle shed his costume and with it the illusion of perfection that came hand in hand with the circus. Honestly, it was addictive and probably dangerous; to be tempted with a world that was so much better than reality. But then that was a sign that it was merely an illusion. For reality was cruel, vicious, imperfect and meaningless, flawed no matter how polished the exterior seemed.

Phillip loved the circus and this new life he had been gifted with. And the fact he loved it accentuated the way it was being tainted. Well, it wasn’t the show that was being tainted, merely his mind. Ever since seeing his mother and father he could not get them out of his mind.

It wasn’t specifically them but the thoughts and emotions the encounter sprouted. The searing shame at having disappointed his family. The disgust at their opinions about his friends and even more disgust that he probably would have said similar things previously, if only to fit in. The pain and guilt at the fact Anne had to put up with that and a feeling of responsibility for it that he knew logically he didn’t deserve but felt all the same. The anxious suggestion that maybe he had made a mistake in following Barnum, even though it was probably the best decision of his life and he was happier than ever before.

The horrid, exposed and ridiculed feeling that comes with knowing you’re being talked about unkindly behind your back, he was the uptown scandal story of the decade after all. Also there was the most awful feeling that had started to form that he didn’t fit in at the circus and they all hated him secretly and saw him as one of those upperclass snobs. Maybe even more alarming was the way a traitorous voice in his head said that was correct, that he was too stuck up to ever fit in with his friends and yet too shameful to fit in with his old life. That he was simply a flaw in the system with no place anywhere.

Furthermore, it didn’t help that something else had left him utterly confused. Because when his parents had disapproved of Anne there was something inside him that had agreed. Not that he shouldn’t be with her because she was of a different race, no definitely not. He had been raised to have such views but never actually agreed with them. No, it was something more complicated. And he didn’t disapprove of Anne, if anything she was far too good for him.

It was the thought of actually being in a relationship with her that bothered him. More specifically the… more intimate side of a relationship. He wanted so hard to want her because she was beautiful, kind, intelligent, funny, brilliant in every way and she would make an excellent life partner.

It wasn’t a new revelation to Phillip that he had difficulty engaging with women sexually. He as a child hadn’t felt as drawn to the fairer sex as his peers had been. When his parents had suggested potential suitors all he had felt towards the women was a forced sense of responsibility. His unusualness was confirmed in his first sexual encounter.

The woman was beautiful, it was not as if he was unaware of that. He had tried to have intercourse with her but he soon realised he derived no pleasure from the encounter, he felt forced and even almost disgusted. He had also been unable to maintain an erection but had managed to get away with pleasuring his bed-partner with his fingers and pretended to do so to himself too. After that he had surrendered himself to being single all his life.

When he first laid eyes on Anne he had thought that things had finally changed. He was completely taken away by her looks and something in her eyes that let her personality shine and showcased her brilliant uniqueness. He had finally felt that attraction that his childhood peers had spoken so highly of. Now he felt awful, as if he was leading her on, but he had truly thought he could make a complete commitment to Anne.

And yet, although there was finally a physical attraction he still lacked the lust that was so highly prized in relationships. The kissing was okay, even though after a while he started to get too self aware and feel to awkward and forced in his movements. One time he had even gagged, although it was small, involuntary and would probably have been interpreted as a gasp he still felt a consuming shame and embarrassment for ages after. He was so horrified with himself he’d even briefly returned to one of his more questionable and private coping mechanisms that he’d turned to in his life, and not alcohol this time.

With a feeling of dread he knew that the soft swell of her breasts pressing against his chest felt wrong, the smooth expanse of her cheeks brushing against his felt wrong and when he ventured to think about going a step further it most definitely felt wrong. He wanted to want her so bad but it was simply not to be.

He had humoured the thought that maybe they could have an asexual relationship. But before that thought even formed properly he knew it couldn’t be. Although Anne would probably say yes it was wrong to make her. For he had seen in those moments of intimacy between them a fiery lust in her that he was supposed to have too. But he didn’t.

He did not have one of the basic parts of biology that every living thing on this earth possessed. Maybe he fit into the show more than he’d first believed for he was a freak. Except there was nothing remarkable and extraordinary about him only something unnatural and broken.

So no he could not stay with Anne. She deserved far better than to be dragged down by the likes of him. But then he did not want to hurt her and he did not want to ruin the friendship and closeness he cherished that had formed between them. How would she take it? Would she think he was a freak? Was he a freak?

He had to physically shake off the avalanche of thoughts that was seemingly set on bombarding him. Looking around himself, Carlyle could see that he had been lost in his thoughts for quite some time, everyone had seemingly gone already. He started to make his way to the exit, looking around to see if anyone was still there.

And of course Barnum was, he noted with an odd feeling of fond warmth in the bit of his stomach. He seemed to be the last though, and even he turned to leave; walking out to go home. Home to his family, Phillip reminded himself, his wife and two young daughters. He didn’t know why that thought made his chest ache in a strange way and he didn’t know why the whole place seemed to get so much colder and lonelier after that one single, brilliant man left the premises.

He once again shook of his thoughts. Never mind, it was apparently a night for confusing and troubling thoughts. So obviously there was only one place to go.  
*******  
Maybe it was not the healthiest idea but drowning troubles in whisky was so much easier than trying to sort them out. The bartender knew him by now. One of the things he loved about this place was the way no one judged you. Why should anyone judge you anyway? It wasn’t their bloody business! He thought to himself, finishing his second glass.

His parents’ disappointment, the way he didn’t truly belong anywhere, the way he was still so alone, the fact he was a freak, all of it and more blended into each other and fussed out of existence. It didn’t matter, really. Not now. It didn’t have to matter now. Carlyle let himself relish in the freedom.


	3. Three Sheets to the Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired ;-; anyways, hope you like the new chapter. Thanks for reading. Comments of what you think are always massively appreciated!

“Hey, kid, didn’t expect to see you here.” Barnum opted for, deciding it was probably better than ‘you look awful, what’s wrong?’. Phillip jumped slightly which was most certainly an entertaining, borderline adorable, sight. The younger then turned, slightly sluggishly, to face him.

“I am the single gentleman with no family, surely I am more likely to be f-frequenting such an establishment.” Aside from the slight stutter Carlyle’s speech was level, surprisingly. It was probably an insight to how much he was used to drinking, Phineas had never really thought much of it but how was starting to wonder.

Then there was the choice of wording: ‘single gentleman’, referring to not being married or something else? Even the smallest bit of alcohol was sure to start loosening a man’s tongue. At any cost, Barnum did not think it was the right time to ask.

“Oh, you’d be surprised how often a married man will find use for a place like this.”  
Phillip snorted in a uncharacteristic and probably rather tipsy manner “I’ll have to take your word for it, I assure you.” Barnum frowned at that, not sure he completely understood his companion’s meaning.

“So what brings you here?” Carlyle inquired, reserved once more as he sipped his drink.  
“Oh, you know. Life, thoughts, a need to get out and just… be free. You?”  
“I couldn’t put it any better than you.”

The two men returned to silence, Barnum having ordered a drink which he was making use of and Carlyle ordering another. Surprisingly enough, the silence was not awkward, wanting or uncomfortable. There was just a way that the pair were comfortable enough with each other that their mere presence was enough, they didn’t have to try hard and in the situation it would have even been bad taste. It was probably something to do with having worked together or perhaps having been brought closer by the fire ordeal. Whatever it was, it wasn’t pressing, not enough to disturb their casual peace.

“I can go if you’d prefer privacy.” Phineas said, after the thought occurred to him.  
Carlyle assuredly shook his head “No, no, I enjoy your company.” Seeing Barnum’s flattered look he continued “Yes, you’re like whisky. Bitter, bad for me, certainly bring out the worst in me and very addictive.”

The older faked a shocked, offended look “Bad for you? Me? No, you must be mistaken. I will take it as a compliment, however, seeing how you appear to be caressing your whisky like a lover.” He retorted flippantly, only hoping after saying it he didn’t cause offence, but of course none was taken. Phineas had never cared about such things much before, it was rather peculiar. It was an odd saying too, or maybe not when you considered how enthusiastically some men regarded their alcohol.

Phillip groaned softly, letting his head fall onto his hand as support, Phineas was not sure whether it was from the alcohol or whatever troubles that had lead him here. Still, it was an opening for the topic.  
“Want to talk about it?” He asked, softly but not patronisingly.  
Phillip looked slightly pained and shrugged flippantly “No one would understand.”  
“Try me.”  
Carlyle looked at him skeptically and must have seen something in his eyes because he started to talk.

“I don’t know. There’s just, lots of thoughts. I can’t really explain it to anyone because I cannot explain it to myself either. And what I feel I can talk about are the problems and thoughts that are less important. At least I think they are until I say they aren’t important then I can’t help but think of how important they are. I… I’m sorry, I am not making sense. I’m supposed to be a weaver of words, I am a playwright after all, and yet I can’t seem to string a single chain of them.”  
Barnum shook his head “No, I understand.” And he did, he understood and related to that completely. It kind of felt good to have someone else openly acknowledge it too.

“Just start with something. This isn’t a stage, there’s no audience. It’s just bar-side conversation.”  
Phillip let out a sigh “Well it’s this, for one. I’ve been told, trained even, all my life to not show emotion, to not even feel it when it can be helped. And to most certainly not let down my social image. It feels so good to let go but I can’t help but still feel like it’s wrong.”

Barnum nodded “Very valid and understandable. Although I assure you that it’s definitely fine to just be as you are, not pretend to be anything else. If God didn’t want people to be able to show sadness he wouldn’t have made it possible. My views always been very much ‘society never did anything for me so why should I do anything for society’, you should try it. As I have learnt, all you need is the love and approval of a few good people. You’ve got that, Phillip, for being who you are not who anyone said you should be.” Barnum was rewarded with a small smile which he returned.

“So what about you, Barnum? Your turn.”  
Phineas sighed then chuckled to himself, recalling that Carlyle had done the same. “Well… I’m just gonna be completely open, because I don’t have the slightest clue myself about what to do or if there is anything to do. I have constantly got a feeling of…uncontentment? Nagging? Something being not quite right? I can’t really name it. I don’t know whether it’s with me or my life or whatever it is. It’s probably just stress or something. But still, I just wanted to have some liquid peace to put he thoughts aside.”

Phillip pursed his lips “Why don’t you try the process of elimination?”  
“What?” Asked Barnum, not having really expected much of a response.  
“I mean, if you spend some time separating yourself from work, from home, from stressful situation, from specific people then if it goes away when you cut out something you know it’s that and if it doesn’t then you know it’s your mind.” He elaborated.  
Phineas blinked “That’s… actually an excellent idea, thank you.”  
Carlyle smiled again “You’re welcome.”

They returned to silence again, each having their own new revelations to think over. After a while Barnum couldn’t keep his curiosity at bay, he never claimed to be a patient man. “Do you happen to be having trouble with the ladies, by any chance?” Phillip stiffened “Or, perhaps, one in particular?” Phineas pushed, wondering what had become of his and Anne’s relationship and where they stood on that.

“I… am. It’s not her, not Anne, she’s perfect. It’s me, all the flaws are in me. I wish there were no problems because I really do like her and enjoy her companionship however no amount of wishing will change that I do have problems. I just don’t know what to say to her and I definitely don’t want to lose her friendship but I’m afraid it’s too late to salvage it, that I have messed up too much already.”

Barnum simply nodded, respecting that he didn’t want to elaborate too much on the details. Quite frankly, he was surprised. He’d thought Anne and Phillip to be perfect for each other and completely content. However, he did, in a strange way, relate to the situation, or at least understand it in some way. “Well, Phillip, I think you should just be direct and not put it off. She’s probably gonna be disappointed that you didn’t work out but she’ll prefer being close friends than being lovers and it not being right for you two. Anne’s an amazing woman and she will take it in her stride, she’ll understand as long as you explain. And she will most certainly still be your close friend. The worst thing for you would be to put it off or try to ignore any problems you have found.”

Phillip nodded and gave a small smile again “Thanks. I’ll… try.” He let out a jagged breath before straightening “Anyhow, enough of the serious talk. Let’s drink, let’s have fun!”


	4. Cold outside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter! Hope y'all are enjoying the fic so far :3 Commenrs are always appreciated. Also keep and eye out for any of my other works cus I'm writing more for this ship not fore this story. And do tell me if you write one cus I can't get enough!

“Nooo! Not fair, you’ve rigged it.” A definitely not sober Phillip whined, taking the shot that was his punishment for losing the latest bet of the game the two men had started to play. Phillip and Carlyle had taken to making bets on random things around the bar, the loser takes a shot and Barnum was on a winning streak of five.

The older gave Phillip an amused look “And how exactly do you suggest I rigged the rain?”  
Carlyle seemed to seriously consider that for a moment before his face lit with an idea “Well obviously you paid the Q-Queen to employ an ar*hic*rmy to stand on rooft-tops an-nd water the floor with watering cans heavier at your s*ic*ingnal.”

Barnum shook his head incredulously “Yes. You’ve got me, that’s what I did.”  
Phillip beamed, which was undeniably adorable, “Does that mean I win and you have to take a shot?” Phillip said hopefully. “Sure, why not?” Barnum chuckled as he took another shot. He wasn’t exactly the most level headed person by now either but he seemed more sober than he was in comparison to Phillip.

“Okaaayyy, what’s *hic* next? Hm, I bet that-” Carlyle was cut off by Barnum.  
“I think you’ve had enough now, Phillip.” He said gently, prying a glass away from the younger’s hand. Phillip whined in response “Have not! I’ll h-have you kn*hic* know that I c-can hold my liquor amazingl-ly!” He insisted indignantly.

“I have no doubt you do, kid, but there’s ‘being able to handle liquor’ then there’s ‘trying to kill yourself with said liquor’, there’s only so much the human body can handle so let’s not push our chances, eh? Besides, I need to be still at least marginally comprehending when I escort us both to our respective sleep places for the night.” He stood and hoisted Phillip up too, carrying most of his weight with his side, strewing the smaller man’s arm over his shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go.”  
“You gonna actually be able t-to pay the bill this time?” Phillip snorted, amusedly.  
Barnum chuckled good-humouredly in response “Yes, this time I can.” He said, paying the bar tender the appropriate amount.

“So where are you supposed to be staying this night?” Barnum asked when they had exited into the streets. Phillip gave a half shrug “Don’t know. Since my parents disowned me I left my original place, knew it was too expensive for me to pay for even though I do still own quite a bit. Haven’t really had time for home making, I’ve sort of gone between hotels, inns and the circus tent private areas.” Barnum nodded, wondering how he hadn’t noticed that. Apparently the cool night air was doing Carlyle some good as he was no longer stuttering or hiccuping, however his words were still irregularly slurred.

With an over emphasised motion, Phillip tucked his head into Phineas’ neck and held him tighter with a little muttered mantra of ‘Barn-iarni-arnum.” And a giggle. Barnum chuckled incredulously, holding his partner tighter as his body went even more limp, completely depending on Barnum’s hold now. For some strange reason he felt a feeling of satisfaction deep inside his being at something in this experience. Perhaps it was helping a friend or maybe even simply the warmth Phillip’s body provided in the cold night. Whatever it was he decided to ignore it.

“Hmm, actually now I think I recall the rooms I stayed at yesterday I’d booked for three days.” Phillip recalled serenely, appearing to be in the wistful state of consciousness that occurred just before your mind gave way to sleep. “Hey, stay awake for me, kid, you haven’t even told me the building’s name.” He pointed out, shaking Carlyle lightly. Phillip made a confused, tired ‘hhmpf?’ noise as he jolted awake again. Barnum couldn’t help but chuckle again, a strong warm feeling of fondness in the bit of his stomach.

“Hmm… oh, right. The Lion Wagon, I think. Room 21.” Barnum nodded acknowledgement and continued to carry them both in the direction of that hotel. They made most of the journey in relative silence, occasionally broken by small conversations or Phillip’s drunk babblings.

Eventually, they got there and, although the reception worker seemed suspicious of Barnum, Carlyle was recognised and they were able to walk up to his room without any trouble. Phineas watched his friend fumble around with his keys for a few moments before taking them and trying himself. He too missed the lock twice however they managed to enter at his third try.

Inside Barnum gently lay a semi-conscious Carlyle down on the sofa before surveying the room himself. It was definitely not glamorous. Probably for general middle class people and definitely bellow what Phillip could be paying for. It wasn’t unpleasant or anything. The colour scheme appeared to be a tea-stained brown with a single painting on the wall of a sunflower as a decoration.

The rooms consisted of the one they were standing in, a small bathroom and a almost as small bedroom. He’d never thought much about it but it did sort of fit Carlyle’s character to not care too much for indulging unnecessarily on himself.

Phineas stopped observing and returned his attentions to Phillip. The man definitely had to get out of his shirt, at some point he had managed to spill a whole glass of whisky over himself. It was wet and stuck to his chest, Barnum cringed even at the sight thinking of how sticky it must be. Ideally he should wash himself too but judging from the glazed over look in his eyes , when they were even open, that wasn’t going to be happening any time soon.

When he moved closer Phillip opened his eyes and flashed him a sleepy, lopsided smile before shifting slightly as his eyes fluttered closed again. Barnum sighed, deciding that he would stay here the night. He should really go home, he’d not told Charity he would be going out at all let alone staying. But it would weigh heavy on his conscience if he left Carlyle alone when he was barely able to stay conscious and would inevitably be very sick the coming morning. If there was any other reason for his staying, any unquenchable urges to remain by this man’s side, he didn’t acknowledge them at all.

“Okay, Phillip, off this comes.” He narrated, untucking his shirt from his trousers and starting to undo the buttons. He pulled away the fabric, grimacing at how tightly the sticky fabric clung to Phillips skin and the wet glisten it left behind. Deciding he must, Phineas went into the bathroom, found and soaked a piece of rag before returning and gently washing off the whisky. Carlyle hummed and shifted in his sleep but didn’t make an signs of waking.

Really, that was the first time Barnum had ever had an opportunity to admire or even acknowledge Phillip’s athletic build, his every bit of exposed skin constructed of well defined and roamed muscles. Really, he should have guessed that the young man was strong, after all it took great strength to be able to partake in a sport such as acrobatics. However, the formal suits he often wore left much to the imagination.

He couldn’t help but run his fingers lightly over his abdomen, the muscle feeling as good as it looked, before he snapped out of it, chiding himself for his lapse. Still, a feeling flourished in his stomach at the sight, one he could not decide was good or bad. Best to ignore it, after all he did have more pressing matters to attend to than admiring his friend’s well toned chest.

Barnum unfastened Carlyle’s belt and took of his shoes, leaving them in a pile with his coat. He then picked up Phillip’s sleeping form, shivering slightly when his bare forearm came into contact with the flawlessly smooth skin of his waist. He shook himself mentally and a little bit physically too before carrying Carlyle into the bedroom and tucking him in. He lingered in the doorway, taking in the sight of the sleeping man before him, he did not quite know why, before turning and leaving, closing the door behind him.

Barnum sighed, letting out a staggered breath. He lay down, taking of his own, shoes, belt and coat before lying on the sofa. With looking after Phillip preoccupying him, Barnum hadn’t even realised how tired he was. It was not long after his head hit the pillow that he was drifting into sleep and dreams of drinks, circuses, caged animals, attractive male chests...


	5. Tent pole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to go another way but I've decided to put that in the next chapter. Hope you like it :3 Comments are always appreciated, I love to know what you think. Also I apologise for the title... I googled for relevant ideas and that's never a good idea but couldn't think of anything else so whatever

When Barnum woke up, the first thing he did was try to figure out where on Earth he was. The second, upon remembering he was in Phillip’s temporary accommodation, was check that he was alone in the room. He’d been having some… questionable dreams and would die of embarrassment if he’d said anything out loud and someone had heard. Luckily for him, he was alone. Phineas wasn’t surprised, judging by Phillip’s state last night he wouldn’t be up for quite some time.

His next problem became evident to him quite shortly after, as he noticed how unusually tight his trousers were. Barnum cursed under his breath. It wasn’t like he was a young man anymore, his days of waking up with erections had long passed, so why now? Perhaps it was because he had not copulated in quite some time.

Whatever the cause, the problem didn’t appear to be going away. But he simply could not touch himself, he was imposing on Phillip’s hospitality, sleeping on his sofa nonetheless, it felt… wrong, like he was violating the other man, like it should not be done. For some reason (which he would hate to analyse, for fear of what it’d say about his character) that only seemed to encourage his erection. He huffed, frustratedly, deciding there was no way to get rid of it other than to embrace it.

He undid his trousers, keeping them on incase Phillip came in or cleaners, and slipped a hand in. Phineas shivered at the feeling of his hand, cold from the room, against his hot skin. Slowly, and slightly awkwardly with his body positioned away from Phillip’s bedroom door to shield himself, he started to pleasure himself.

He had to bite back a moan, it had really been too long since he’d done this. It was not a very gentlemanly thought but then he’d never claimed to be a gentleman. He pumped his length quickly, almost clumsily, trying to orgasm rather than simply enjoy the experience. He played with the head a little with his thumb, back arching against the sofa, intense pleasure shooting through his body as he bit down on his sleeve to continue his silence.

His body ached slightly in protest, as he returned to quick, hard pumps, begging him to slow down but he ignored it. The quicker he came the less likely it was he would be caught. As he felt the familiar tension building in his stomach he decided to visualise to help push himself over the edge. He imagined Charity, memories from the last time they’d had sex, but to his surprise that seemed to do the opposite of the desired effect. He decided not to think about it now because that would be even worse but slid that curious information away for later.

Instead, he decided to think again about how he was masturbating almost completely exposed in Phillip’s rooms, on his sofa, the same thoughts he’d had earlier when it had excited him. Even more curiously it had the same effect again. Very soon after, he was crying out in pleasure, smothering the sound in a cushion, as he came.

He lay panting for a moment, letting his body rest as he mused. Why hadn’t he found those memories of Charity arousing? He had at the time, obviously. Hadn’t he? Now that he thought back, all he had really been thinking about was the sensations he was feeling not anything physical about himself or Charity. He was probably looking too far into it, it was probably nothing. That didn’t stop an unidentifiable sick feeling from filling him, some twisted form of shame, guilt and self-disgust. The feeling only got worse when he remembered what HAD aroused him. What was wrong with him?

He was quickly snapped out of out of it with horror as the door to the room opened. He grabbed a cushion and held it over his groin, hoping it didn’t look as suspicious as it felt. It was the man from yesterday in reception, who had seemed not to like him. He gave him a similarly disapproving look “Came to change the sheets.”  
“It would be best if you came back later, my companion is still sleeping.” He said, hoping he’d been successful in keeping the embarrassment out of his voice. The man grunted and left. No, he really didn’t seem to like him.

When the door closed, Barnum put the cushion to the side, wiping it slightly. It was okay, they cleaned those. Probably. He went into the bathroom to clean himself up.  
*******  
Once presentable again, Phineas emerged from the bathroom. He knew Phillip would probably have one hell of a hangover when he woke up so he should probably get whatever would aid in helping. However, he did not want to leave the younger man’s side, incase he woke up while he was still out shopping. The solution: to get someone else to do the shopping.

He went down stairs, taking care not to forget Phillip’s keys. He headed to reception although was ready to look for someone else if it was the same old man from before, he would probably poison them. It was not, however, instead there was a stout, young woman with a friendly smile “ ‘ello, sir, can I help you at all?”  
“Yes, I was wondering if you could go buy a few things for me. My friend has a hangover and I do not want to leave him however we do need food.”  
“Of course, sir, I’d be ‘appy to help.”  
“Excellent! This should cover it, you can keep whatever is left.” He said, handing over a generous amount of money, not missing the way her eyes widened. He then explained the location of several things he wanted her to buy before returning upstairs.


	6. My Pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a little while XD I'm not gone, don't worry! Anyways, here it is and I hope you like it. Comments and feedback is always appreciated

Phillip groaned in pain, his everything hurt. Oh gosh, he must be dead. At least dying to be feeling such pain. He cautiously opened his eyes then quickly screwed them back shut when light stabbed his eyes, causing his head to spin and his stomach to turn. Phillip clutched at his bed sheets, squeezing them as he attempted to let the wave of nausea pass without throwing up.

Slower this time, he opened his eyes, shielding them with his hand against the light. The room was surely far too bright for one with no windows and the lights out. The room span and rocked which did nothing to help his nausea. Carlyle groaned again, this time with a more whining tone.

After he became relatively accustomed to the initial discomfort, Phillip felt the first curlings of dread. What had he done the previous night? He did have a bit of a history for getting completely hammered then doing things he’d probably regret the next morning. He closed his eyes and tried to recollect everything he could.

First, he had gone to the bar to drink away his feelings. He had admittedly started to become drunk at that point. What then… Oh, then Barnum had come. They’d talked, he remembered all that. It wasn’t until they’d started to do drinking challenges that his memory started to get foggy. He got bits and pieces: lying on the bar counter, frustration at losing a bet, spilling his drink.

Then later… all he could recall was strong arms lifting him and resting his face against firm chest. He remembered the comforting warmth of something surrounding him and pressing closer. Phillip groaned, this time with embarrassment. That must have been Barnum. The bartender would have just chucked him onto the street if it got too late or he got too drunk, not caring as long as he was out of his establishment.

Oh gosh… wait, did that mean that Barnum was here? Phillip felt the stabbings of guilt that he’d had to put up with him in such a wretched state. However, he felt a traitorous excited, eagerness that the man was still there. He did not really understand why. There was just something about Barnum, or more everything about Barnum, that just made him feel… he didn’t quite know how to explain it. Phillip snorted, what an amazing playwright he was, unable to even put a simple feeling into words.

Getting up slowly, gagging and almost retching even at that small movement, Phillip pulled on a shirt, realising he was not wearing one. He blushed, further embarrassed at the revelation that Barnum had seen him shirtless. What exactly had his drunken self gotten up to?

Slowly, hobbling more than walking, he emerged from his room. Normally he would just wallow in self pity until the sun set again but that wouldn’t do if he potentially had a guest. He opened the door, supporting himself on the handle as a wave of nausea rushed over him. Peeping into the room, he was greeted by the sight of a grinning Barnum.

“Phillip! Rejoining the world of the living? I’m impressed you’re up at all, frankly, hangovers are awful.” He said with a casual smile that made Phillip’s stomach flip. “Good morning, Phineas.” He said, voice sounding about as dead as he felt.

Barnum gave him a soft, pitying look. “Yeah, I figured you’d be in a bad way this morning so I got some stuff to help.” He said, gesturing to some items Phillip had not noticed prior. He blinked in surprise “Barnum… you really didn’t have to. Thank you.” He said, feeling a bit guilty that the other man had spent money and time on him after he’d already had to drag him home drunk. Barnum’s enthusiastic smile was contagious, however, and he was smiling along soon too.

“It’s no problem at all. Come and eat and drink. I know you probably feel… well, like shit but you need to eat or it’ll only make things worse. Now come on, it’s bland but I promise it’ll be good.” He said, pulling Phillip down onto the sofa. Phillip’s skin tingled from where his hand touched. How queer.

He was taken from his thoughts as a waft of sweet smelling bread hit him and despite himself he started to feel hungry. Barnum must have been able to tell from his expression because he grinned that contagious grin again. “I know. Best bread in the city and cheap too. We used to get it all the time before the circus.” Phillip didn’t know why but he felt an unpleasant curling in his stomach at the casual ‘we’. He really shouldn’t drink so much, apparently it did strange things to his head.

Barnum continued, oblivious to his friend’s strange thoughts. “There’s also some cheese, mozzarella because it’s easier on your stomach even if it is rather expensive. I’ve got the money.” He said with a proud grin that warmed Phillip’s heart. “And I made some rosemary-lemon water and there’s also oranges. Try to have what you can, they’ll all help. But don’t push yourself.”

Vaguely Phillip wondered why Barnum would bother helping at all let alone so much and so caringly. He gratefully accepted the plate that was offered to him and started to eat. The food was as amazing as it’d been promised to be, of course he expected no less from Barnum. And surprisingly he did feel better with food in his stomach even though, to his embarrassment, he was sent gagging several times from nausea.

Barnum was there every time, rubbing his back soothingly and muttering small assurances. By that point he’d stopped being ashamed for needing the other man’s help and just felt grateful he was getting it.

After the raging nausea faded off, fading to a dull annoyance, Phillip slumped on the sofa, feeling as if his body had been drained of all energy. He whined softly, pressing his face against the armrest. Barnum sat beside him, looking at him with concern “You should sleep, Phillip. Your body knows best and it’s telling you so.”

Phillip turned his head to the side so he could look at the other man “What’ll you do?”  
Barnum shrugged “If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to look at your book collection.”  
“By all means, do. I think you’d particularly like the one with a green trim on the spine.”  
“I’ll be sure to check it out. Now sleep, at least close your eyes. I’ll be fine here, more than happy actually.” Barnum assured, getting up to leave Carlyle in peace.

“Barnum.”  
He paused and turned around “Yes?”  
“ ‘m sorry. Thank you.”  
He smiled softly “My pleasure.”


	7. An Invitation Recieved and Given

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry I'm still here! XD Just fyi I'll be updating at least once a week unless something comes up, I'll be doing the same with my Maze Runner work 'The Box' and Star Trek work 'The Woman on the Edge of Two Universes'. At least I think that's what they're called, I'm such a bad author when I don't even know my work's names! Anyway, here's a new chapter! Hope you enjoy it. Please comment any feedback you may have!

Barnum smiled, watching Carlyle’s peaceful sleeping form over the top of his book. Phillip always looked so worried about everything and self-conscious about looking like what he’d been told he had to look like but really he looked best when he just let go of it all.

Phineas sighed to himself; he really should go home. His family were probably waiting and worrying, what was he doing intruding in another man’s home? And yet, he could not bring himself to go. Even when asleep, Phillip was a delight to be around and made Barnum feel so… well, he couldn’t really tell but it was a nice feeling.

Phillip shifted, his face scrunching up in the cutest way for a moment, causing Phineas to chuckle fondly. The younger’s eyes fluttered open, scrunching against the light then blinking a few times before looking around. Stunning blue eyes found Barnum sitting there and stared owlishly at him which made Phineas smile “Feeling better, kid?” He said softly. Phillip curled up against the sofa and hid his face in the cushion before nodding. Damn, he was so cute when he was sleepy.

“ ‘m sorry, Barnum.” He murmured softly.  
Phineas frowned “What for?”  
The younger rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling “For being a mess, that you had to look after me, that I’m not good enough.” He murmured tiredly.  
Barnum’s frown deepened “Don’t say that, you aren’t a mess, you’re more than good enough and it’s my pleasure to look after you.”  
Phillip shook his head, eyes closed again and looking like he wasn’t completely awake “I’m a freak but I have no talents and there’s nothing admiral about it. You don’t understand.” Barnum wanted to object but the young man was asleep again. He sighed and decided to leave it for now; but definitely not forget it.  
*******  
“Phineas? Is that you?” Charity’s sweet voice asked as Barnum unlocked the door.  
He smiled, pulling her into his arms “The one and only.” He replied twirling her around.  
Charity wrapped her arms around his neck “Phineas, you had me worried sick! I’d never ask for you to tell me whenever you go somewhere but really, disappearing in the middle of the night like that I thought you could have been attacked.”

Finally the guilt that he’d shut out came rushing back with force. He sighed, self depreciatingly “I’m sorry, Charity. I didn’t think that you might worry, I should have at least left a note. I had no intention of staying away the whole night but I went to the bar and saw Carlyle. The poor boy managed to get himself rather drunk and I thought it would be best not to leave him to take care of himself.”  
“He did? Well, it’s best you stayed with him, then. You’re a good friend, you know that?” She said with a fond smile. Barnum smiled along but something inside him rebelled against the words.

“Oh, I just had an idea! Why don’t we invite Carlyle around for dinner some time? He’s really become part of our family, the girls adore him. I think we should show him that he’s genuinely welcome here, although I’m sure he already knows. Besides, you and your circus was what took him away from his family, it’s the least we could do.” She teased. Barnum mused over it, what an excellent idea.  
*******  
Phillip blushed at the prospect of seeing Barnum again. After he’d awaken clear headed and well again, they’d stayed and chatted for a while before Phillip insisted he was alright and Barnum finally went back to see his family.

Now it was Sunday evening and that meant Barnum would be leading the show tonight which therefore meant Phillip would have to face him. There was nothing wrong between them but Phillip couldn’t help but feel embarrassed after being seen so weak. Nevertheless, he was always happy to see Barnum, even if this time there would probably be blushes on his part.

As he entered the circus, Phillip was greeted by a chorus of ‘hello’s, ‘good evening’s, ‘nice to see you’s and other such welcomes. It felt so nice to finally be part of… , well, part of a family; even if he sometimes felt like he didn’t fit in truly nor deserved to. But he was not feeling dark today, Barnum’s company did have the effect of raising your spirits, so he simply enjoyed it and counted himself lucky.

“Phillip!” It was Barnum, his grin wide and eyes dancing with wonder as always. Phillip smiled and walked over to him “Good evening, Barnum.”  
Barnum smiled “Nice to see you, feeling better?”  
“Indeed.” Phillip replied with a blush “Was your family very upset at your absence? Could you please give them my sincerest apologies, I don’t know what came over me last night. You shouldn’t have had to look after me.”

Barnum simply waved that off “Nonsense! It’s all completely fine, better even. But if you really must apologise, why don’t you do it in person? Charity proposed that we invite you for dinner and I think it’s a splendid idea”.  
Carlyle blinked, surprised. He’d expected the Barnums to be mad at him not invite him to dinner “I-I… would love to come.”  
At that Phineas clapped him on the back “Excellent! I’ll tell her, the girls will be overjoyed. You really made some fans there. Is tomorrow evening okay?”  
“Yes, that’s quite alright for me.” He replied, deciding to cut out the fact that pretty much any time would be okay since his life now consisted only of the circus.  
“Well, I’ll be looking forward to it. Now, I think we have a show to put on.”  
*******  
“Hey, Phillip.” Anne said, smiling at him from where she was packing up her equipment for the night. Phillip felt a jolt of something unpleasant in his stomach, not at the sight of Anne but the thought of the conversation he really must have with her as well as the self-hatred that boiled whenever he thought about it. But despite himself, he smiled. He really did love spending time with Anne and he loved Anne too, just not the way he was supposed to; not the way he longed to.

“Hello, Anne.” He said, just as bewitched by her as the first time he’d seen her. She walked closer to him with a casual grace “I haven’t seen you around in a while, have you been hiding from me?”  
She said it in a joking tone but Phillip could pick up on the genuine hurt and worry in her tone. He sighed to himself, he really needed to talk to her because he was causing more damage every second he wasted. But still, not now. “No, of course not. You know I utterly enjoy your company.” Those words seemed to cheer her up.

Before she could continue and he could lose his courage, Phillip quickly spoke “Anne… can you… meet me somewhere tomorrow? There is something I need to tell you. It’s not good. That is, you don’t have to worry it’s not that not good it’s just… I thought you should know that what I have to say is not good.”

He felt like a blubbering idiot but it was the best he could manage. Anne, being the stunningly amazing person she was, took it in her stride despite her obvious worry. She did not demand to hear it now or complain that he was acting strangely, she simply accepted him and what he’d said, he loved her and hated himself all the more because of it.

“Okay. I’ll be there. Where and when do you propose?” She said gently, observing he was distressed.  
Phillip bit his lip in thought “Um… perhaps the garden café? We can take a seat away from everyone else. Is noon okay?”  
“Yes, I’ll see you there. Goodnight, Phillip.” She said, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. With that, Anne left, Phillip’s eyes trailing after her as he felt his heart break into pieces and his eyes burn at the life he couldn’t ever have and the way he had brought such a wonderful girl down with him.


	8. Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a week which means it's time for a new chapter! Sorry to keep you waiting XD Today I rewatched the movie and it was as stunning, if not more so, as the first time I watched it. Damn, these two are too cute. Anyways, time for some angst!

Phillip gasped, pressing his head against the cold, hard wood of the door to ground him. He felt a body long shudder pass over him and did nothing to conceal it, there was no one watching. The last time he’d felt this low he’d been surrounded by fortune and reputation. He more than anyone knew that money didn’t bring you happiness but there was something more comforting about crying alone surrounded by money than crying alone surrounded by nothing.

He whacked his head against the door with a solid thud, taking some comfort in the pain and dizziness that brought him. He repeated the action more sporadically before forcing himself to stop as the room was starting to sway. Phillip sighed and slid to the ground, curling against the wall. He didn’t really know why he felt so damn awful this evening but he did.

He was just so sick of being a disappointment, never being good enough and always, always messing up. His family, who had always been cold to him, was one thing but it was a different story entirely to hurt Anne, who had shown him nothing but kindness, friendship and love.

In return he’d lead her on, convinced her to love him when she’d known it shouldn’t be done and then now she’d opened her heart he was going to reject her with no more of an explanation than him simply not being attracted enough to her. That was cold. That was more treacherous than any villain he could have constructed in a play. That was a breath of evil.

Phillip let out a shaky breath, eyes stinging. It wasn’t to late, he could simply not tell Anne what he’d been feeling. He could pretend everything was okay, surely if he managed to convince himself then it would come true? But that was the one thing worse than what he was going to do. He couldn’t force Anne to live a life of an empty love, she deserved so much more and he’d done enough damage already.

Phillip slid further down until he was curled up on the floor, he no longer had the strength to keep himself upright. This was undignified, this was not how he’d been raised or who he was supposed to be but Phillip could not care even if he tried, he just felt so… empty. So wrong like nothing was right and he couldn’t explain why. He wasn’t looking forward to anything and couldn’t bring himself to get up and do something he supposedly enjoyed, it was like he wouldn’t ever be able to feel happiness again. Well, it was what he deserved.

Phillip closed his eyes and tucked his head into his knees which he clutched in front of him. But that didn’t help, it only made him focus on the spiral of memories of all the times he’d messed up and all the people he’d once cared for who hated him. He pulled his hair in desperation at finding away to escape it all and that somehow eased the pain in his mind.

Exhaustedly, with bleary eyes, Phillip managed to drag himself to the sofa. The moment he hit it he started desperately crying, burying his face in the pillow. He cried hard at what a failure he was, all the wrongs he’d done. He cried over the fact he was crying when he’d always been told it was as good as a crime. He cried because the lingering scent of Barnum on the sofa’s fabric brought him comfort and he cried because there was something horribly wrong with him but he didn’t know what.  
*******  
Phillip woke up feeling awful. He pitied anyone who had to regularly sleep on a sofa, really he did. Groaning, he rolled onto his back, actually able to hear his stiff limbs clicking, his back felt like horses had practiced dance on it. He blinked up at the ceiling, head feeling worse than when he’d woken with a hangover the day before which was curious because he was pretty sure he hadn’t drank.

Slowly, his heart sunk as the memories came back. He whimpered softly, clutching the cushion to his chest, utterly ashamed and disgusted with himself. Gentlemen didn’t have breakdowns, in fact pretty much no one had breakdowns so why should he? Well, he was a failure after all.

The empty, numb feeling hadn’t disappeared over night on the contrary it seemed to have gotten worse. Phillip stood shakily, walking into the kitchen before walking back out, he wasn’t hungry. He spent a great deal of the following time on his appearance, fussing over small details which was strange because he’d never cared much about what people thought of him, at least not as much as he ought to, and that hadn’t changed.

What time had he told Anne he’d meet her? Ah yes, noon at the garden café, of course. He screwed his eyes shut and punched the wall. He couldn’t do it. She was going to hate him. Then W.D. would hate him too and then everyone else would hear what a dick he’d been and they’d hate him and he’d lose his family, the only thing in his life he’d ever held dear to him. And all because he was stupid enough to think he might be destined to be happy with one of the most amazing girls on the planet.

But still he had to go, he had to follow through because he’d already created this mess. Planning it and actually doing it were two very different things, his pounding heart agreed. Phillip pulled out his pocket watch, short of breath with anxiety. Why hadn’t he decided on an earlier time? He had two hours of anticipation and dread to sit through.

He let out a breath forcefully, running his hands over his face. Phillip wished Phineas was there. He’d been nice about it, he’d seemed to understand. He always made things better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to finish it off with a little gayness for you. Also, to lighten the mood... can you guys remember where that sofa cushion/pillow has been? XD So the moral of my story is clearly don't trust innocent household items because someone may have used it to hide their crotch from a housekeeper. Heheh he buried his face in it... I'm in a strange mood this evening.


	9. High Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been another week and you know what that means! Yeah, a new chapter woooo. Also 'we are a week older' is also an acceptable answer :3 Thanks for everyone who read and commented and everything on the last chapter! Love ya all <3 Now! Let's see what our favourite gay babies are up to

Phillip was there a good fifteen minutes early, his nerves chiming like a church bell. Needless to say it was something of a relief when Anne arrived, until that wore of and the dread settled in. Phillip had paid for high tea for them, more for something to concentrate on more than him being actually hungry.

Anne smiled, looking as breathtaking as ever which only made Phillip’s heart ache more. “Hi.” She said softly, taking a seat. He opened his mouth to return the greeting but found his throat dry and his throat muscles contracted so nodded his greeting instead, clearing his throat and flushing in embarrassment.

Anne looked around, taking note of their distance from everyone else, her smile flickering slightly “If I didn’t know you better I’d say you were trying to hide me.” She said, tone half-joking. Phillip’s eyes widened “No, no I assure you that’s not it at all.” He laughed a cross between light heartedly and self depreciatingly “Trust me, if anyone needs to be hidden it’s me.” He said, taking a swig of his tea and wishing it was something stronger.

“So what’d you call me here for, Phillip?” Anne asked, starting on some of the food “Not that I’m not enjoying your company just that you seemed pretty… riled up when you suggested this.”  
Phillip sighed, feeling breathless and more than a little bit panicked “U-Um, yeah. Yes, okay. Right, about that… the thing is… well, you see…” he stammered, getting more breathless and a little bit dizzy with anxiety.

Anne’s hand on his made Phillip look up, her eyes gazed into his, full of concern. “Phillip… just tell me. I promise I won’t be mad at you, nothing you could ever do would make me esteem you any less and really, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you seem to think. Just say what you have to, honey, you’ll make yourself sick by worrying this much.” She said softly, stroking his hand gently.

Phillip gave her a small smile but he felt like crying. She was so perfect and he was a damn monster that deserved to rot in- he shook himself mentally and started to talk “Anne… before I start I need to say that this is definitely not any flaw or problem with you because you are stunningly perfect, you’re so perfect that it hurts. This is me, there’s something wrong with me and I don’t even know…” he let out a staggered breath “I… think we should break up because I can’t be the man you need or deserve me to be.”

Anne blinked, seeming partially surprised but still taking everything in her stride “Phillip… what do you mean you can’t be the man I deserve? From how you were acting I assumed you were going to break up with me. I can’t tell if this is you trying to come up with an excuse or you being worryingly self depreciating.” She said frowning.

Phillip shook his head firmly “Anne, I would do anything to be with you if I could but I have thought about it very hard and thought of every scenario but this is for the best. And my self esteem is fine.” That got a snort from Anne. She then looked at him seriously “You’ll always be one of my closest friends and I love you very much, us breaking up won’t change that, okay? So you can tell me what’s up.”

Phillip sighed, looking down at his lap. Part of him was relieved now that he’d gotten that over and done with and Anne seemed okay with it but that was overruled with the panic of talking about his… problem out loud and the fear of rejection. “I… can’t have sex. That is, I don’t like women. N-not that I have anything against women or don’t think they’re attractive, th-think you’re attractive that is. I do. I mean, I don’t go around just looking at women but y-you know.”

Anne was giggling slightly by that point, although she was trying hard to hide it. She cut him off by taking both his hands in hers “Oh, Phillip, you’re adorable when you’re panicking. Now, calm down, I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself. And really, for someone who associates himself with supposed ‘freaks’ you should realise that liking men isn’t-”

“Woah, wait.” Phillip said, heart pounding with shock and something else “I-I’m not… I don’t… when I said I didn’t like women I didn’t…”  
This time Anne was quicker with cutting him off “Phillip- Phillip, calm down, I’m sorry. I just assumed that… well, I shouldn’t have assumed anything but what’s important really is that I support you and am okay with you whoever you do or don’t like, okay? And I think you should be okay with it too, there’s nothing wrong with you and don’t believe anyone who says there is.” She smiled reassuringly at Phillip.

He looked at her disbelievingly “So you’re not… mad? Or upset? Or disgusted?”  
Anne shook her head “Sweetie, why on earth would I be mad? Upset… well maybe a little. I really, really like you but… some things just aren’t meant to be so there’s no point in being hung up about it. It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault. And no way am I disgusted, only a small minded idiot with a negative IQ would be disgusted by someone’s attraction or lack of attraction.

“Will I miss you? Yeah. Will I think about you for a little while? Probably. But to be honest my only real concern is your health, just try not to be hard on yourself, okay?”  
“Anne,” Phillip murmured breathlessly “How… is it possible for someone to be so perfect?” Said woman grinned.  
*******  
Phineas had been fussing around the house all day, at first Charity had found it amusing and endearing but now it was starting to become annoying “Phin, calm down, I’m sure that Phillip really doesn’t mind how the curtains are folded and if we start cooking now the food will be cold by the time he gets here.”

Phineas huffed “I know… I’m sorry, I just feel so agitated and I don’t know why, it’s not even in a bad way.” It was true, he’d been unable to stay still for any period of time since waking up, instead busying himself with preparations for Phillip coming over for dinner when usually he couldn’t care less about making a deal of such things. When he thought about Phillip coming it just made him feel… weird inside and he couldn’t explain why.

Charity gave him a small smile with a huffed laugh “I know you’re excited for the dinner, well all are. It was a nightmare getting the girls to bed last night, they couldn’t wait. But really, don’t make too much of a big deal out of it, okay? We want to be welcoming not scare the poor boy away.” She said, playfully bumping Phineas with her hip.

He sighed and smiled “I suppose you’re right. Of course you are, as always. I just… want to make it good, even though there’s no occasion. Also…” he faded off causing Charity to frown.  
“What is it, is something wrong?”  
Barnum bit his lip “I don’t know, maybe. Both when he was drunk and when he was half asleep he said some things that have made me worry about him.” He sighed and ran a hand over his face “Do you think… It’s my fault for taking him from his old life?”

Charity smiled comfortingly “Phineas, of course it isn’t. You were the one who saw how miserable he was in his old life. From what I’ve seen his parents are bad even for how the rich normally are. When I left home to be with you my father blamed you for it but I don’t think Phillip’s even consider you, they pin it all on him. At any cost, surely you’ve seen how even if Phillip isn’t the happiest person in the world he’s definitely getting better since joining the circus, with us he has a loving family and he’s genuinely enjoying himself. The fact that you’re worrying about him proves he’s better off with us. I’m not saying not to worry, because I’m sure he could do with help and support, I know first hand that leaving the life you’ve always known behind is difficult, I’m just saying that it’s not your fault.”

Phineas nodded, silently vowing to himself that he would do anything in his power and wouldn’t rest until Phillip was well and as happy as someone as brilliant as he was deserved to be.


	10. Friends To Turn To

“Phillip!”  
Phillip was greeted by the joyous cries of two young voices and small arms wrapping around him. He chuckled, hugging Helen and Caroline back, lifting them off the ground as they giggled gleefully at the act.

“Hello! How are my two favourite young ladies?” He said, beaming at the Barnum sisters after setting them back down on the floor.  
“Superb.” Caroline smiled charmingly, holding his hand.  
“We’d be better if you visited more, Phillip!” Helen exclaimed, wrapping her arms around his waist again, causing Phillip to smile warmly and pat the girl on the back.

“Well, then, I’ll certainly endeavour to see you more, although I wouldn’t dream of imposing on your parents’ kind hospitality.”  
Helen frowned “You’re never imposing! We looove to have you here and mommy and daddy do to!”  
“Indeed we do.” Said a lower, notedly more masculine voice.

Phillip looked up and was greeted by the sight of Phineas who was grinning warmly at him “Phillip’s always welcome, right girls? He’s a part of the family!” The two girls nodded their eager agreements with those statements and Barnum smiled at his daughters lovingly.  
“Yes, Phillip, listen to them, there’s really nothing you can do when all three of them have made up their mind about something, I’ve learnt.” Charity chuckled, walking into the room from the side.

Phillip smiled at the family “Well, thank you for having me, it’s always a pleasure to see you all. These,” he said, producing two single rose buds from his pocket “Are for you.” He said, bowing lavishly and presenting them to Caroline and Helen who giggled and took them with curtsies and thank yous. “Girls, why don’t you come with me to put them in water?” Charity suggested.  
“Can we put them in vases next to our beds?” Asked Caroline as they left.

That left Phineas and Phillip alone. The older grinned at his business partner, pulling him into a warm hug “Phillip! As we’ve all expressed, I’m sure, it’s great to see you. Looking better than he last time I saw you, certainly. How are you holding up?”  
Phillip blushed at the reminder of his drunken state that Barnum had had to deal with “I am well, Barnum. I…” he trailed off before biting his lip, he’d just arrived so surely it was too early for serious conversations. 

Phineas frowned, having none of it, “What’s the matter, Phillip? Now, don’t try concealing things from me, you should know how determined I can be.”  
Phillip chuckled at that “Indeed.” He sighed “I spoke to Anne…” he said, trailing off, not sure how to continue, what to reveal and what to conceal.  
At that Barnum became completely serious, although in a caring way not strict, “Ah. Would you perhaps like to take this conversation to my study?”  
Phillip nodded, feeling as if he ought to hide everything but knowing Phineas would want to know what’d happened and secretly wanting to confide in someone himself, as shameful as that was to admit. So he followed the taller man up to his study silently as he tried to arrange his own thoughts.

Phineas pulled aside two chairs, taking one himself and gesturing for Phillip to sit in the other, which he did gratefully. “So, what happened?” Phineas asked in a kind tone.  
Phillip took in a breath which he released shakily “Well, I met her at noon and t-told her that I didn’t think we would… w-work out. She… she took it very well. I don’t…” he let out a breath harshly, slumping “I’m an awful person, aren’t I?” He said, wishing very much that there was a bottle of whisky at hand.

Phillip looked down when Phineas gripped his arm, staring at the place where his hand just brushed the skin of his wrist in fascination. He looked up and saw Phineas’ eyes dancing with emotion and passion “Phillip, you are not an awful person. You are nothing less than perfect and don’t listen to a single person who says otherwise.” The intense tone of his voice made Phillip shiver, even more so at the revelation that it was care over him that had Barnum so animated.

Although he didn’t quite agree with his words, personally believing he was barely achieving ‘acceptable’ on a good day, certainly not ‘perfect’, however he was swept away by the way Barnum sounded just so perfectly, intensely… Barnum.

“It’s not your fault that you don’t like Anne that way, it’s not a fault at all. It’s simply what it is and no one could change that so no one should try. Don’t think any less of yourself and know that a whole circus of people and more adore you no matter what. Okay?”

Phillip was quite frankly blown away by Phineas’ kind words. He couldn’t bring himself to accept that though, he couldn’t let himself off so easily when he felt like the scum of the earth, surely Barnum could see that too. “But… it’s my fault. I was the one who pushed for her to accept a relationship with me and now I’m walking away, like she’s a toy for my amusement alone. It’s monstrous of me and completely disregarding of her feelings.”

Barnum sighed “Phillip, the very fact that you’re worrying about it in such a fashion proves that it was never your intention to hurt Anne and I’ve seen you, you care about her deeply. I see that and so does she, so does everyone, so we know that if you’ve called it off then it’s not just because you’re bored of her or on a whim or something of the likes. And what exactly were her feelings?”

“She said she was upset…”  
Phineas nodded “Okay, naturally. But did she say anything else? Anything, I don’t know, along the lines of ‘its okay’ or ‘don’t beat yourself up’?”  
Phillip sighed “Yes, but-”

Barnum tutted “No buts, listen to her and listen to me. She understands and she’s okay with this, or she would have said otherwise, Anne’s not someone to let herself be walked over. I’m sure that the only thing that would concern her, that would concern us all, is if you treated yourself badly because of it. So don’t fixate on negative, self depreciating thoughts, if you can’t stop then come to me or one of the girls or anyone really and we’ll certainly be able to prove to you how amazing you are.”

Phineas fixed him with a concerned and caring gaze that made Phillip feel strange, not sure when, if ever, he’d been looked at like that before. It was nice to be cared about, if a foreign concept to him. There was a small part of him hissing that he was weak for accepting help and care, that he was disgraceful, but it just felt so nice. Why shouldn’t he be cared about?

Phillip gave Barnum a small smile “Thank you, Phineas, it really means a lot to me.”  
Phineas grinned and clapped him on the shoulder “Any time, Phillip. I can’t let my partner be neglected, now can I?” He said lightly before becoming serious again “But really, Phillip, I hope you know that you’ve got many friends who consider you family and whom you can come to for anything at all, okay?”  
Phillip merely nodded, his brain finding it hard to process such a concept but his heart feeling content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late! I promise I'm still here XD I fell a day behind schedule with one of my works which meant they all got a day delay ;-; but I'm here now! And finally, the two gay babies are together again being fluffy if not knowingly gay yet. Anyways, thank you for reading and please comment any feedback! Until next week :3


	11. Stay the Night

“Did you know daddy’s been fussing about this all day?” Helen said as she ate her food one pea at a time. Phineas flushed at the declaration while Caroline and Charity giggled.  
Phillip, too, was blushing “Indeed? About what?”  
“You coming around, uncle Phillip.” Caroline pitched in.  
“Yeah, he’s been walking around in circles and doing silly things like dusting the curtains.” Helen continued, enjoying the attention she was getting.

A rather red Phineas decided to quip in “Yes, well, we can’t have ourselves be seen as unclean or uncaring for visitors, now can we?”  
“Quite.” Phillip replied with a playful twinkle in his eyes that had Barnum kicking him under the table.

“Is the food to your liking, Phillip.” Charity asked, deciding to save her husband from the teasing.  
“Yes, my compliments, it’s the most delicious meal I’ve had in ages.” Phillip replied, earning a flattered thank you from Charity and a smile from Barnum that had his stomach do strange things. He continued the meal somewhat hyper aware of Barnum’s every action.

He found himself often unable to concentrate on the conversation, instead admiring the hearty, contagious laugh of the older man or the way his eyes shone or how his face would light up when he became animated with a story and all the other little things. He didn’t know why he was so entranced but he felt somehow guilty for it although he could not bring himself to stop. Barnum really was such a… beautiful man.  
*******  
“Don’t go, Phillip! Please don’t! Please stayyyy!” Came get another torrent of protests at Phillip’s impending departure. Said man gave a breathy chuckle as he pulled on his coat “I would love to, girls, but it’s getting late and you’ll all be going to bed soon. I really must be getting back.”  
“You can stay with us, Phillip!” Caroline argued.  
“Yeah, it’s already very dark.” Helen continued.  
“We simply shan’t hear of you traveling at such an hour.”  
“Don’t you know that there are thieves and scoundrels out at night?”  
“It’s dangerous! And cold, do you want a cold? You shall have one if you walk in this rain.”  
“Yes, and we have plenty of space and spare rooms, it’s really only common sense that you’d stay the night.”  
“We would be honoured hosts!”

The speech was finished with two of the sweetest smiles and large, pleading eyes looking up directly into Phillip’s. It was strange how Phillip was sure he could accidentally step on the two tiny girls and yet they appeared to be holding the cards. At that moment they couldn’t have resembled their father more. Phillip sighed in exasperation at the thought of one day having to deal with three Barnums. He turned around for assistance from Charity and Phineas but the two were just watching silently, amused from the doorway.

“I think they’ve got you, Phillip.” Phineas chuckled. “We’d be glad to have you, unless you have any other matters to attend to. I’ll fetch a carriage and travel with you myself if you wish to go. But if you have no qualms we’d love for you to stay.”  
Phillip shook his head, giving up “Oh, alright. How could I possibly say no when such a good argument is presented?”  
“Yaayyy!” Came a synchronised cry of joy from the two youngest Barnums who immediately encircled his waist again in a squeezing hug. Phillip smiled warmly down at the two young girls he’d grown so fond of.

“Come along, girls, let’s let your father show Phillip to his sleeping quarters.” Charity said, laughing warmly. The two girls obeyed, if a little reluctant at leaving their grip around Phillips waist.  
“It’s about time you two went to bed, too.” Charity pointed out, receiving a cacophony of protests from her daughters. “Now, now, you’ve already been up far later than usual. Phillip will be here in the morning.” She insisted. That seemed to perk up the two children as they stopped dragging their feet as much on their journey out of the room.

Once again Phillip found himself alone with Barnum, the man who ever ceased to amaze, confound and bedazzle him. He felt slightly breathless when those beautiful (technically speaking of course) eyes fixed him with an intense gaze that he could not fathom. Phineas’ face was free of its usual hyperactive illumination but it was instead clad in an intense, tender yet concealed look that Phillip could not make out.

He didn’t have much time to try either as Phineas seemed to bounce back into his normal playful, charming expression. “Well, Mr Carlyle, I think I’d have better show you to your bed chambers.” He said and guided him out of the room with a flourish worthy of the circus. Phillip only shook his head and followed his suit, ever destined to look clumsy and dull following the shadow of his glamorous friend.  
*******  
“Well, there you are.” Barnum said, gesturing to the room around him in a smooth motion “I’d ask that you excused the simplicity of the room but I’ve seen the place you’re currently staying in and, well, it’s not exactly Buckingham palace.” Phillip shoved him playfully at the declaration before putting his coat down and looking around himself.

“Thank you, Phineas. For letting me stay, I hope it’s not too much trouble.” He said earnestly.  
Phineas waved him off dismissively “No trouble at all, you’ve heard the girls, we love having you stay! It’s always a pleasure.”  
“Indeed, however I would hate to overstay my welcome.”  
Phineas huffed at that “Phillip, you’ll never outstay your welcome as it is infinite. You’re one of the family and family is always welcome.”  
Phillip only hummed in response, unable to refrain his thoughts from trailing to his own family and how the sentiments couldn’t have been any iller suited. Barnum seemed to notice something in his face as he gave him an apologetic look and quickly moved on in conversation.

“So, would you like to turn in for the night or would you appreciate my company a while longer?”  
Phillip smiled warmly, overcome by the… Barnumness of Barnum. It was a strange thing to happen, could he not withhold his sanity for even a moment in the presence of this man? Realising he was just sitting in silence, Phillip quickly replied “I am tired, I’ll admit, but I would rather like your company still, if you wouldn’t object.”  
Barnum flashed that grin that had Phillip’s stomach do strange, somewhat alarming stuff “Excellent.”  
*******  
Phineas smiled warmly at the sleeping form next to him as he, not for the first time in his acquaintance with his friend, undid and discarded the more uncomfortable items of clothing he was wearing before tucking Phillip into the bed. The pair had sat and talked for a while, something Phineas delighted in doing with his more reserved business partner. Phillip had fallen asleep eventually, it having become very late and the younger man having had what Barnum figured must have been a very emotionally exhausting day.

Barnum chuckled softly at how peaceful and sweet Phillip looked, face relaxed from the tense frown that he often held. He looked far younger like this, no worries for him to shield himself from. As Phineas stood to depart and sleep himself, he was overcome with a most outrageous urge. Well, it wasn’t that outrageous. After all, he did it to Caroline and Helen all the time and he did have a familial affection for Phillip which might be interpreted as that for a son. However, he knew deep down that he did feel very strongly for Phillip but it would never be quite like that. Nevertheless, he lent down and kissed the younger man on the forehead “Goodnight, Phillip.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw those two are too cute :3 so there's a lil' kiss for you to say sorry for not updating last week. Dya like the chapter? Did you get attacked by a snow monster while I was gone? Tell me whatevs in the comments! Until next week :3


	12. Sleeping Beauty

Phineas splashed water over his face from his wash basin, the remainders of the fortunes of sleep washing away. He always had been an early riser, he couldn’t waste time in dreams if he wanted to make them into reality and his body never would stay still for too long, but this was early even for him. He’d been acting strange ever since the idea that Phillip might come over had been suggested, perhaps he was coming down with something.

Anyhow, he was awake now and he might as well make the most of that. Phineas ran down the stairs from his bedroom, careful not to wake any of the other sleeping inhabitants. He considered what exactly he should do with these few extra hours that had been thrust upon him before settling on making a special breakfast for everyone.

He set off on his new found mission and started to get out the ingredients he would need, thinking about what he’d make as he went. He held his weight with cooking, he’d never believed in the ‘a gentleman should have his food cooked for him’ crap, not that he could ever be called a gentleman, but he’d always regarded the task as dreadfully dull until now. Bouncing from cupboard to cupboard and making a beautiful mess of things combine all while trying to make something that would Please his family made the chore an art.

Finally, what didn’t seem like too much later but a glance at the clock protested, Phineas stood back and regarded his handiwork, wiping sweat from his brow. He grinned to himself, throwing his apron down triumphantly. Now all he needed was some breakfast guests.

A small sound from behind him had Phineas spinning around. Charity smiled her greeting “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Good morning, sweetheart.” She said, giving him a lazy, tired hug. Phineas grinned and hugged her back “Good morning.”

Charity’s gaze passed to behind him “Phineas, what’s all this?” She asked, sounding half incredulous, half impressed.  
“It’s breakfast.” Barnum announced with a flourish “I woke up early so I thought I’d make use of the time and treat my wonderful family to a luxury breakfast they’re well deserving of.”  
Charity chuckled, shaking her head “Well, it looks lovely, Phin.” She declared, eliciting a proud beam from Phineas.

“I think you’d better wake up Phillip, dear. Let him sleep more if he wants it but I was just thinking that the girls will be up soon and the first thing they’ll do is run in there and jump on him, I’m trusting you to be more calm in your method.”  
Phineas gave her a faux-innocent grin “Of course, would I ever wake poor Phillip up by chucking a bucket of water on him?”  
Charity blanched “Who said anything about a bucket of water?” She exclaimed, exasperatedly.  
“An ice cold bucket? If you say so, dear.” Phineas chirped, already out the door. Charity watched him leave amusedly, shaking her head. Poor Phillip, indeed.  
*******  
Phineas slowed his stride when he came up the stairs, now wanting to wake the three sleeping beauties. He slowly opened the door to Phillips room, peering in to see how the man was. He appeared to still be sleeping as all Phineas could see was the silhouette of a bump in the sheets that was slowly rising and falling.

As amusing as it would be to see Phillip spluttering and thrashing awake, he wasn’t that cruel. Perhaps another time. But Phillip looked so sweet and peaceful, face relaxed, lips pursed slightly as he beheld the sights of some dream Barnum would never know. His hair was messy in a way the younger man would never allow it to get when he was awake, it looked rather nice. It added to the way he looked completely relaxed and open, not having to shield himself from anything or worry about any problems. 

The urge to brush his soft, porcelain cheek or just wrap around that well built, lean body was torturously strong but Phineas had to withhold himself. That was completely unacceptable behaviour, why would he even feel the urge? But then who wouldn’t when encountering such a sight?

“Phillip.” He murmured softly but loud enough to be heard, not wanting to startle the boy awake. He shook his arm softly, wincing slightly when the feeling of the limb beneath his hand reminded him of when he held Phillip’s limp body, not knowing whether he’d ever see those beautiful blue eyes again.

Phineas was dragged from the horrible thoughts and memories by a motion and soft groaning noise from the man beneath him. He shook off the phantom flames and put on a grin “Hey there, princess, did you have a good sleep?” Phillip groaned again, his face scrunching up in the cutest way, looking so frustrated at having to wake up and confused it was too adorable for Phineas not to laugh. That had Phillip opening his eyes and turning his blinking gaze to Phineas before he scrunched up his face again, wiping a hand over it.

“Mm, Phin?” He asked groggily, voice still hoarse with sleep.  
Phineas smiled softly, still contemplating how a grown man could be so adorable “The one and only.”  
Phillip blinked up at him a few more times before groaning and pulling the blanket over him, cocooning himself in it, his face the only thing peeping out. He nuzzled against the fabric as if he was trying to cling onto any remains of sleep he could get. Phineas suddenly, unreasonably, felt bad for waking him up.

“Hey.” He said, smiling softly at Phillip. The man’s eyes were hazy with sleep but clarity was returning to them. Phillip when he’d just woken up was a precious thing because for a few rare moments he was completely unrestrained.

Phillip let out an exhalation, running his hand through his hair before turning to Phineas, still sleepy looking but completely composed “Good morning, Phineas.” He said with a small smile.  
Phineas grinned, as much as he apparently enjoyed admiring Phillip’s sleeping form it felt good to talk to him, to hear his voice, as it always did. “Good morning to you too. Did you have a pleasant sleep?” He tried again.  
Phillip nodded “Yes, thank you, I put it to your excellent bed.”

Phineas chuckled “Thank you. I just came to tell you that breakfasts ready, also we thought it’d be better for me to wake you than an excited Caroline and Helen. If you’d like to sleep more, though, I can make sure you’re not disturbed.”  
Phillip had gotten up slightly and was rubbing his eyes, sitting propped up by the bed frame “No, no, that’s quite alright. I’m completely rested and I’ll be awake, too, after washing up a bit.”

Phineas nodded “Well, I’ll see you downstairs and leave you to get ready. Though, I’ll warn you, you there’s a lock on the door and you should use it, the girls don’t knock.” He said, leaving with a chuckle.  
“Thanks.” Phillip replied with a small blush “I’ll see you downstairs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's your weekly dose of gay fluff for ya! Awww cooote sleeping Philliippp XD Phineas go hug him. Not much happened there but hopefully it was cute? Tell me what you think in the comments! As always I looove hearing what you have to say! Until next weeekkk, bye!


	13. Feast

After being left alone, Phillip went about getting dressed. He heeded Phineas’ advice and locked the door, which was good too as not so long after their father’s departure Caroline and Helen were at his door, knocking excitedly. Phillip placated the girls with a through-the-door conversation while he quickly finished fastening his belt and pulling on his waistcoat.

Upon opening the door for the two young ladies, Phillip found himself knocked back down onto the bed by two small bodies. “Philliiippp!” The excited voices cried in unison eliciting a fond chuckle from said man. He hugged the girls back with a smile “Hello, my dears, how did you sleep?”  
“Very well, thank you.” Answered Caroline with a dazzling smile.  
“Yeah, but I couldn’t wait to wake up and see you!” Added Helen.  
“Me too, me too!” Insisted the elder.

Phillip grinned down at the pair “Aw, well aren’t I a lucky gentleman to have such dashing young girls so happy to see me? I greatly esteem your company too. Now, why don’t we go and see what’s for breakfast? I can’t be the only one who can sense that wonderful smell, let’s see where it’s coming from!”  
The two Barnum sisters got off him with a leap but attached themselves instead on each of his hands, pulling him in their trail as they sniffed dramatically, following their noses and giggling.

Phillip’s hands were returned to his control when the trio reached the dining room. Phillip starred wide eyed at what could only be described as a feast. His ogling must have been obvious as Phineas chuckled “Like what you see?”  
Phillip blushed “It’s certainly impressive. What’s the occasion?”  
Phineas shrugged dismissively “Nothing in particular, I just had time on my hands and felt like treating you all. You definitely deserve it for putting up with me.” He said with an earnest smile that had Phillip’s heart doing the strangest things.

“Wait, you made this?” Phillip said, backtracking.  
“Yes.”  
“As in… all of it?” He asked again, taking in the excessive expanse of food. There were sugar plums, pancakes, eggs, cakes, tarts, custard, only to name a few. Barnum really went all out when he decided to do something.  
“Yes, all of it.” The older replied with a chuckle. Was it Phillip’s imagination or was he being looked at with a very fond way? He blushed regardless.

“Come on, tuck in. A posh boy like you should know that it’s rude to turn down someone’s food.” Phineas insisted, taking a seat himself. Phillip blushed even more, which seemed to be a permanent state for him with Barnum’s merciless teasing.  
“Eat plenty, Phillip dear, you’re practically wasting away.”

Phillip would have jumped at Charity’s words if he wasn’t such a restrained person by nature, he’d totally forgotten that there were others in the room. It was easy to do when it came to Phineas, he had a way of making a room seem as if he alone was in it and it was really a stage with him at the centre. Phillip quickly murmured a ‘yes quite’, before his stumble up was noticed. He should have know that nothing would escape Phineas’ keen eye, he looked up and was greeted by a puzzled yet amused look from the man. His cheeks set alight and he ducked his head to concentrate on the food.  
*******  
“I think you’ve all set a cunning plan to trap me.” Phillip exclaimed, trying to still look as dignant and gentlemanly as he could with a stomach ready to explode.  
“Is that so?” Phineas said with an amused smile.  
Phillip nodded woefully “You kept me late so I must sleep here and now you’ve fed me so much it’d take three horses to escort me from here.”  
Phineas gave Phillip a faux-scrutinising look before saying “Better make that four horses.” He reeled away laughing as he had to duck Phillip’s indignant punches.

When his chuckles died down he sat beside Phillip on the sofa “In all seriousness, if you’d like to stay you can.” He said in a kind yet serious voice that made the fine hairs on Phillip’s skin stick up on end. He turned to look at the older who continued talking. “Now don’t think that you’re obliged to stay or anything, I’m just saying that if you ever need to or want to come here you’re always welcome. Okay?” There was an intensity to Barnum’s words that had Phillip breathless so he simply nodded his response. Phineas studied him for a moment longer before the intensity fell away, replaced with a comfortable casualness.

“So you still staying in that flat-thing?” Phineas asked.  
Phillip blinked “Oh, right. I hadn’t really thought about it, I suppose that’d have run out. Perhaps I could renew my stay but I’d rather have a change of scenery.”  
Phineas nodded but Phillip could see something dark in his eyes, something he could almost say was guilt.

“Phin,” he said, drawing the attention of the other man, he wasn’t really sure if this was what he’d been thinking at all but he felt the need to say it all the same “I don’t regret it. Coming to the circus, that is. Not one moment, not in a single partly formed thought. It was the best decision of my life, even if it seems like I lost everything. I never cared for the money or the position, I love my family dearly but I don’t fit in and they never even tried to understand. And…” he trailed off, it now being his turn to let his eyes become dark with demons he dared not speak of “Well, you’ll just have to take my word that you saved my life so don’t ever feel guilty about taking me from that world.”

The pair sat in silence for a while after that, not uncomfortable or awkward silence but the comfortable type that could only occur when people were comfortable enough around one another to be able to be in each other’s presence without the need to prove themselves or fill the silence with words.

“So, how goes the feeling of uncontentment?” Phillip asked after a while.  
Phineas started slightly “Hm?”  
“Remember, what you told me in the bar about having an unexplainable feeling that things weren’t quite right, no matter how well they were going?”  
Phineas chuckled “Oh, you remembered all that. I’d thought that maybe you’d forgotten due to your… intoxication.”  
“Would you have wanted me to?”  
Phineas fixed his young partner with look that Phillip couldn’t quite decipher. After a moment he replied “No. No I wouldn’t.

“Well, it’s not been that bad lately, only briefly taking shape in fleeting moments, like the faintest brush of a hand.” Phineas explained, thinking over the experience himself.  
Phillip nodded with acceptance and understanding. Why was the young man so good at this? Even when he was drunk, Phineas added with a chuckle.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it? Do you think it’s fading away or just paused?”  
Phineas considered “Well I think it’ll come back. Or maybe I’m just a pessimist.”  
“You? A pessimist? No, it must be coming back then.” Phillip joked. “Have you thought about what I said? The process of elimination thing.”  
Phineas nodded “Yeah, I have. I do think it’s an excellent idea, I think I’ll start it soon actually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! A new chapter! Woooo. Please tell me what you think in the comments! Thank you as always for reading, it means the world to me as I do put a lot of effort into this and the fandom definitely deserves members. These two smol gay babies deserve all the love they can get XD Until next week!


	14. Change of Scenery

Eventually, Phillip managed to leave the Barnum residence, how exactly was beyond him, he was full to the point of pain and sure his legs couldn’t support such a weight. He didn’t know quite where to go, just that it would really be rather imposing of him to continue his stay, so he ambled to the establishment he’d been staying in to pick up his stuff, it was a start and perhaps on the way he could figure out where exactly he was going to go.

The building had never been the most attractive feats of architecture but after having just stayed with the Barnums it was particularly lifeless and ugly, not that he could be picky with what he could afford to pay for. Still, surely he was allowed to have his private opinions.

Concentrating instead on the task at hand, Phillip entered the building and walked up to the reception where a worker was looking through some paperwork. “Hello,” he intervened “I’ve been staying here and I’m here to collect my possessions, the room was under ‘Carlyle’, Phillip.”

The man looked up at him then cross-checked something “Yes, I have you down here. Your stuff is still in the room, you’re free to collect it. Will you be extending your stay, sir?”  
Phillip shook his head “No. No, thank you, I’ll just collect my things and be on my way. Thank you ever so much for your hospitality, it has been a pleasant stay.” He said politely before disappearing up the stairs, still remembering the way.

After using his key, which was a far easier feat done sober apparently, he was in. He didn’t have much with him, the entirety of his possessions could fit in the suitcase he had. Most things were practical, necessities like clothes. There were a few personal artefacts that he still carried with him, despite having all but left his old life behind.

His family had never been kind to him but he kept a childhood family portrait of his nevertheless, from when he’d still believed his family was perfect, when he hadn’t realised all the things that weren’t right. A memory from back when he’d believed himself loved instead of merely a necessity to continue the family name and be an heir. His fingers lingered over the cold wooden frame for a moment, feelings stirring within him that he was afraid of allowing touch him, pushing them away before they could form.

He snapped the suitcase shut, turning around on his heel to give the room one last scan before leaving.  
*******  
Phineas hummed softly to himself as he washed the dishes, lost in his thoughts so that the motion was a subconsciously run action done on automatic. Phillip was gone now and, despite the house holding four people which included two very vibrant young ladies, the house seemed unreasonably… empty. Like it was lacking something.

Maybe it was the excitement Phillip’s presence induced in all of them but Phineas was starting to form a speculation. It was too many times now that things seemed strange, not in a bad way of course, when it came down to Phillip. There was always some other explanation too but that was just to many coincidences. And it wasn’t just with Phillip but himself too. No one else ever acted any differently. What ever type of madness this was it was within him alone.

He didn’t mean to insinuate that Phillip was doing anything strangely at all, apart from being unnaturally perfect as always. It was just… something about him that Barnum couldn’t put a finger on. A strange, intense feeling that bubbled inside him when it came to the boy, so intense and urgent within him yet unidentifiable, like having a song stuck in your head.

Phineas shook off those thoughts, maybe he was going crazy, the feeling of wrongness had returned to after all. Maybe he just needed a good, proper rest. Phineas snorted, tell that to his brain. It’d never shut up long enough for him to ever truly just relax, not that he was complaining; it would be awfully dull otherwise after all.

He really intended to heed Phillip’s advice, it was an interesting idea and all the better if it really did finally get to the bottom of this stupid ‘not-quite-right’ feeling he was having. What right did he have to feel that way, anyway? He had a more than brilliant wife, two of the finest and sweetest little girls the world had ever known, friends who adored him and a job that was just magical. So what on earth could be wrong? Well, he supposed, he’d possibly be able to find out.  
*******  
Phillip stared at the building, sound loud enough to hear from out where he was standing in the street, all the noise muffling together, and a golden light seeking out into the greyness too. Phillip wiped his palms on his trousers in anxiety. Was he really going to do this? Sure, he’d joined done bold things in the past, he’d joined the circus for goodness sake! But that time it hadn’t been him to make the proposition. And he’d been drunk which may have helped slightly.

This wasn’t anything special really, he tried to convince himself, no one would think anything of it other than himself. Sure, there’d probably be some raised eyebrows at his obviously expensive clothes, despite the fact he wore them nowadays in a way that’d have him kicked out of ‘society’ with a warning to never come back. Which actually, now he thought about it, was what had happened to him.

Phillip shook his head, he should just go and find some cheap apartment somewhere, or a hotel, and forget about this insane plan. Insane by his standards not in general, a voice inside him reminded, and who could change his standards but himself? Besides, he had wanted a change of scenery.

Phillip took a deep breath and walked into the tavern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY! I didn't post last week! I said 'until next week' but it's been 2! D: Well, here's a chapter for you. Tell me if you liked it! All comments are appreciated very much <3 Until next week (there I go again!)


	15. Tavern Room

As Phillip walked into the tavern he tried to not notice how people noticed him. It was nothing like the scene displayed in plays where a man walks into a tavern and everyone turns to watch with unwelcoming dislike, no, nothing so dramatic.

But of course people did notice when a new person walked into the same room as them and it was human nature to look up to see who it was. It wasn’t everyone in the tavern and no one looked at him with dislike, just mere curiosity and possibly surprise, but it still felt rather like everyone was jeering: he couldn’t get rid of the idea that he wasn’t supposed to do such things as enter taverns, of this ‘class’ at least. It felt forbidden, it had been in fact for rather some time. The matter was stopping thinking such things. He was an independent man now: free to do as he pleased.

He hadn’t come with the intention of drinking but he would draw even more attention to himself if he just stood gaping at everyone. He’d talk when less attention was on him (and when he stopped being so nervous in this environment). With that in mind he walked up to the bar.

The bar tender looked up at him from the glass he’d been polishing, eyes weary but kind. “You lost?” he grunted, no real bite to the words, only curiosity and underlying friendliness. It was something he never thought he’d get used to; strangers talking as if they could be friends, humour and kindness and interest in him all rolled into a neat package. For not the first time and most certainly not the last, Phillip was forced to muse over whether he’d been born in the wrong part of society.

Phillip shook his head “A whisky, if you’d please.” He requested before continuing to talk “No I’m not lost. Why? Do I really look that out of place?” He’d wanted to come up with some sort of easy joke but he couldn’t and settled for sincerity.  
The man snorted “Like a sore thumb but I wouldn’t give to much thought to it.”

“What makes me look so different?” Phillip mused aloud. It was something he couldn’t figure out. His clothes were far from proper nowadays, he could afford all the products a gentleman grooms himself with, he had scars and his upbringing certainly hadn’t left him sheltered from pain or hardship.

The man looked at him along his nose as if trying to see if he was serious, deciding he was and answering “You just look… well bred. There’s darkness in your eyes, I hope you don’t mind my saying. You tend to recognise all shades of hardship when you work behind a bar. But despite the darkness you look well off, or born so at least.” He corrected, looking Phillip’s clothes up and down “I think it’s in your straight posture and politeness. And the way you walked into a tavern like you were walking across a dance floor.” He chuckled.  
Phillip blushed “Oh.” He said, rather more dumbly than he was proud of.

The man set the whisky glass down with a thud in front of him, Phillip paid him with the exact change straight away, having taken notice of the pricing. Judging from the look on the man’s face he wasn’t used to that, probably more used to men fumbling at their pockets in a panic at the end of the evening like Barnum had that night he’d confronted him, Phillip mused, chuckling.

“So what brings you here, posh boy?” The man said, now preparing some dish of food for the couple down the bar from Phillip. That was a reason Phillip had chosen this place, it wasn’t just a bar it was bigger. They served full meals too. There was a kitchen out the back but apparently snacks were prepared at the bar.

“I’m not here to pour my soul out.” Phillip said, looking into the depths of the fiery liquid in front of him “Or to drink it to oblivion.” He added as an after thought.  
“Then what are you here for?”  
Phillip pursed his lips in thought “I was wondering… if it would be at all possible… for me to stay here in exchange for work. If it’s convenient, that is.”

The man chuckled, not a reaction that seemed all to good to Phillip but it seemed warm at least “Kid, here’s some advice. Don’t try so hard to please the world, if it catches whiff that you care it’ll rip you apart.”  
Phillip only nodded, sipping his drink, not sure how to react to that.  
“Sure, you can stay. If you can work, that is. I don’t expect you to know everything you need to know but you’ll learn on the job. If you become a liability you’re out.”

Phillip blinked, taken aback by the sudden acceptance “O-okay. Thanks.” He stammered “Thank you, sir!”  
The man shook his head at him with an amused look. “The names Rhyse, call me Dylan, though, ‘Mr Rhyse’ is my father.” With that he started to walk away. Phillip wasn’t sure if he was leading the way, intending him to follow, but he thought he’d better just in case.

He followed Dylan past the bar and the kitchen entrance, to a narrow creaking staircase that was so steep it almost resembled a ladder. Phillip climbed up it, wincing at every loud creak his weight created. Luckily the tavern was loud by occupation.  
“I’ll let you stay this first night free, it’s too late to start you at any work, I’m not that cruel. If you choose to stay there’s no private bathroom, just the public one for all the guests.” He stopped at a door “I’ll warn you, posh boy, it’s nothing fancy, not even close, but it’s what we’ve got. You decided if you take it or leave it.” With that Dylan opened the door with a key from his larger ring of keys.

The room was really very tiny but Phillip instantly fell in love with it. It was most certainly a step down from even his last apartment/hotel in terms of class and space but it was so much more beautiful. The musky wooden beams extended from outside into the room, the floor tilted gradually before becoming a rather steep slope at the very far side of the room, there was hardly any space in the room but that made the fitting more artistic.

A bed was tucked into the corner, it looked like it folded back up against the wall when not in use, a circular barred window above it. There were shelves lining the walls, three candle sticks and a single painting of some sort of purple hanging flower.

His mother and father would be scandalised that such a thing would ever be even associated with a bedroom but Phillip found it ever so charming. If time allowed it he would very much like to write in this room. It’d result in the type of work he enjoyed but his audience failed to understand or enjoy, upset by his abstract thinking or poetic plot or perhaps that he’d dare to tread outside of what a playwright ‘should’ say.

“It’s not Buckingham palace but what dya say?” Dylan snapped him out of his thoughts. The man was standing to the side, slightly awkwardly. It seemed to Phillip like he was trying to act indifferent and casual but really actually cared for his thoughts, this building, this place, being dear to him and him not wanting people to talk against it.

“It’s gorgeous!” Phillip exclaimed, earnestly.  
Dylan stared at him incredulously “Where did you come from, posh boy?” He asked rhetorically before shaking his head “I’m assuming that’s a yes then?”  
Phillip nodded eagerly “Yes please. If it’s truly okay with you. My name’s Phillip, by the way.” He added, realising he still hadn’t said.  
Dylan’s eyes were dancing with good humour and kindness “Well, Phillip, it’s nice to meet you, strange kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! Here ya are. I almost didn't write this but then decided not to be lazy. I timed myself and it took me 54 minutes to write on a phone. Anyways, how are yah? Good? Awful? Better now there's a new chapter? Do you like this? Tell me in the comments!
> 
> Also, I'd like to give a shoutout to 'daddybarnum' on tumblr who did an amazing art piece inspired by chapter five of this story! I'd put a link but I'm hopeless with technology, there's a link in the comments of the chapter. Also thanks to the person who pointed it out to me :3 I never thought my work'd inspire art! It really means a lot to me. It means a lot that all of you are reading this and enjoying and supporting this so I just want to say thanks a million I really do appreciate you all so much! <3


	16. Wash the Glasses

Phineas stifled a yawn. It had certainly been a tiresome evening, getting the girls to bed at all was a rather difficult task let alone when they were so excited about having had Phillip to stay. He too felt the departure of the young man, which was strange because it wasn’t like it was a regular occurrence for Phillip to stay at their house. But now that he was gone everything felt wrong. There was a nagging feeling at the back of Phineas’ head like when you’d forgotten something very important you were about to say.

He sighed and shook his head dismissively, walking to his and Charity’s bedroom. This too felt strange but for reasons Phineas was aware. In this large, extravagant house he’d barely spent any nights with Charity in this bed for many different reasons, some of which he pointedly chose to ignore. That’d change, though. He now would no longer let himself be carried away by fancy or toxic ambition. He knew where his real family and friends were.

Charity was already in bed, sunshine hair arranged in a loose plait to prevent tangling, body engulfed in thick sheets. For a moment Phineas thought she was sleeping but then her still form shifted and she turned to look at him, giving him a sleepy smile “Goodnight, Phin.” She murmured.  
Phineas smiled back, climbing carefully into bed beside her “Goodnight, my dear.”

He settled into the cold mattress inches away from the emanating heat of Charity’s body. Phineas closed his eyes and let the expensive bedding hug his body soothingly.  
“Charity?” He said after a hesitation.  
“Mm?” She hummed a response.

Phineas paused for a moment before deciding to continue despite not having thought out what he’ll say. He wanted to bring up the idea of Phillip’s suggestion of eliminating sections of his life to see what’s been bothering him but he didn’t want to suggest that in any way Charity or the girls were making him miserable or that he didn’t love them.

Nevertheless, he’d already started so he might as well continue “I… I’ve been feeling… strange lately. I ended up talking to Phillip about it in the bar the other night and he suggested that perhaps I spend time with individuals or smaller groups of people in my life so I can just… reassess myself, my life and my priorities again after… after… y’know, all the… stuff. He didn’t say it exactly like that but you get the point.

“I also think it’d probably be a good opportunity to apologise. I know I’ve hurt many of the people I hold dear and I know that because you’re all such outstanding individuals you’ve all somehow managed to forgive me but… still. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid. I just… wanted to see what you thought of it?”

Phineas held his breath, hoping he’d not managed to destroy his relationship with Charity just after beginning to smooth things over again. He listened, senses on edge, as the sheets next to him shifted. Finally, Charity spoke, sounding more alert now but still tired “Well, I think it’s a great idea, Phineas. I think it’ll help make you feel far better and we can all finally put the coffin on the drama of this past year.” She said encouragingly.

Phineas felt like the weight of the world had been taken off his shoulders, certainly off his lungs as he finally allowed himself to breath again. Really, how’d someone as flawed as him manage to be surrounded by the finest specimens of the human species the Earth could ever provide? They both went quiet after that, surrendering themselves to sleep. Phineas let his eyes flutter closed, feeling far freer than he had done in a while.  
*******  
Phillip woke up to the smell of rich wood and old paper. He groaned softly to himself, shifting, which caused a rather loud creaking noise. He blinked the sleep away, trying to process where on Earth he was before smiling. Ah, yes. He’d managed to get himself a room at an inn.

Really, he regarded himself very lucky. To get a room just like that and under acceptable conditions in a place run by a man who seemed most agreeable, it was indeed very lucky. The room was also positively gorgeous. Maybe he was strange for thinking that but to him every single little detail was bursting with a story that couldn’t wait to be captured on page. Perhaps he’d take up writing plays again if he had a moment to spare.

Speaking of which, he didn’t know what time he was supposed to start working. Or what hours he was to do. He frowned at that, if the hours were unnegotiably clashing with his circus responsibilities then he shall have to find somewhere else. Well, he’d jump that hurdle when he got to it. For now he was going to get ready, freshen up and go to see if he could make himself useful.

With that decided, Phillip pulled on some fresh clothes, of which he was running out of; he made mental note to find a way to wash them soon, and went out to try to locate that public toilet Dylan had spoken of. He found it soon enough, of course it’d be simple to find since it was for public use, then emerged to see… well he wasn’t really sure since he didn’t know what exactly he’d be doing but he went to find someone all the same. Phillip Carlyle lived life on the edge now.

The public area was empty for the most part, a few people sitting quietly and eating and drinking their breakfasts-there was one man who looked like he’d never gone to sleep at all and was still drinking from the night before. The lack of people didn’t surprise Phillip, it was five in the morning after all. He wasn’t usually an early riser but the unfamiliar scenery or perhaps the adrenaline from the bold move he’d made had him waking.

Phillip made his way to the bar, maybe he’d see Dylan. But there were no familiar faces, just a young woman with wild red hair who was mopping the bar-top. He should have known Dylan wouldn’t be there, he did the late night shift it was unlikely he’d do the early morning one as well. He didn’t need Dylan really, he was as much of a stranger as anyone else here was to him. If a stranger who knew he was supposed to be here not just some random weirdo trying to get into other people’s business in a bar.

“Hey, can I help ya?” The woman’s words made Phillip jump which, of course, had her giggling although she was trying to hide it.  
“H-hi, sorry, hi.” Phillip stammered, cheeks red with embarrassment, really he ought to be better at this whole communicating thing, he did write plays for a living (or used to) “Um… no. Actually, maybe. I’m supposed to start working here? But I wasn’t sure when I’d start so I was wondering if there’s anything I can do to be useful?”

The woman was looking at him in an amused and curious way “A new worker? Now, why’d I not hear of this? I swear, nobody tells me anything. Just cus I’m a woman don’t mean I’m any less of a significant member of this here establishment, without me it’d be falling at the beams, and I mean literally!” She complained to herself, although with no real bitterness.

“Of course, m’lady, I don’t believe in this gender segregation nonsense, why I know many a lady who’s worth more than a thousand of me.”  
The woman blinked at him for a moment “Now where’d Dylan find you? Rosie, by the way.” She said, extending her hand.  
“Phillip, very nice to meet you.” Phillip introduced, taking her hand.

“Nice to meet you too, Phillip. Now, help me by washing these glasses while I go cook that man there some eggs, I don’t trust you enough yet to know you’ll not poison my guests!”  
“Surely, I could poison the glasses if I so wished?”  
The woman, Rosie, let out a hearty laugh “I got my eye on you, sugar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! A new chapter! I know, I know I didn't post one last week. I'm as shocked and horrified as you are. I tried making excuses in my head but nah I'm just lazy, will you forgive me? Welp, tell me in the comments what you think of this! Please? I really need some happiness after watching a movie which I will not say the name of so I don't spoil it for anyone but just take my word that I'm sad rn ;-;


	17. Money Talk

Phillip laughed heartily in a way that he hadn’t done outside of the circus in a very long time. Rosie had taught him a working song and the pair were singing it in rhythm with their cleaning, together they’d almost cleaned every kitchen utensil there was, which according to Rosie was a rare occurrence. 

There were more customers now than there had been earlier but they didn’t seem to mind the singing, in fact several had joined in. For not the first time Phillip was awed by the way he’d managed to live so much of his life in dull misery when there were so many simple joys to experience in the world.

The pair’s singing was interrupted by Dylan walking around the corner with a scowl on his face, although one that Phillip could see was a charade-the man was actually just curious and amused. “What’s this racket all about?” He asked in a gruff voice. His eyebrow raised in surprise when he saw Phillip which caused said man to blush.

“We’re doing a thing called work, Dyl, I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of it.” Rose quipped back teasingly, throwing her damp drying cloth at him. The man chuckled, throwing it right back. Phillip but his lip at the revelation that the workers of this place must have a similar happy family bond that they did at the circus. Did he really belong here? Was it within his rights to intrude?

“Now look what you’ve done, Rosie, you’ve broken the poor boy!” Dylan said, flicking Phillip in the arm. Phillip realised, with a start, that he’d been standing there frowning darkly at nothing. He blushed softly.  
“I leave you alone for a few minutes and look what you’ve done.” Dylan continued.  
Rosie huffed in response “He was alright until you showed your ugly face! And besides, ‘a few minutes’? We’ve been working here together for hours!”

That surprised Dylan apparently as he looked slightly taken aback “Hours? That right, kid?”  
Phillip shrugged “I don’t know…” he looked at the clock in surprise “Oh… well, I guess so.”  
“Huh. You’ve certainly got a good work ethic, kid. I didn’t even tell you to do anything. C’mon, I think you’ve earned a break, we can discuss your work and times.”  
“Why don’t I get a break?” Rosie complained, warm heartedly.  
“No rest for the wicked, my dear!” Dylan called over his shoulder as he lead Phillip off to a table.

He sat down and gestured for Phillip to do the same. “Really, I am impressed with you, kid.” Dylan admitted “And just so you know, you are safe here.” Phillip opened his mouth to say that he wouldn’t imagine he wasn’t but Dylan cut him off “Don’t be so polite, kid, I know we look all scary. It’s only good self preservation skills to be afraid of lower class strangers who run a run down in nonetheless.

“Judging from what I know about you so far you’d probably be to polite to say anything so I just wanted to make sure you know that there ain’t nothing dodgy going down here and in fact we don’t stand for that type of stuff on our premises. So you’re safe here. Kay?” Phillip only nodded, not quite sure what to say to that, but he was somewhat relieved to know he didn’t have to expect attempted stabbings in his sleep or anything, not that he’d expected that in the first place but still.

Luckily Dylan moved on quickly or Phillip was sure it’d be awkward “Okay. So let’s talk commitments and free time and stuff. When are you free to work and when aren’t you?”  
Phillip bit his lip in thought for a second “Well, I sort of half-run my own business so I suppose I may have sudden commitments that I hadn’t anticipated at random times. I-I know that’s not really ideal but I can make up hours when I am free. Um, I can do mournings. Like, from quite early until lunch. I’m not naturally an early riser but I won’t be late.”

Dylan nodded “Okay. That can work. And don’t worry about any commitments, you look like a honest man. I can trust that if you have somewhere to be you have somewhere to be, we can all empathise with that; we have families and private lives. Mornings will be fine. Say, seven till twelve?” Phillip nodded. “We can change that later if you find yourself being overworked and tired, kid.” Briefly, Phillip was surprised by the degree of care and consideration Dylan had. That was certainly unusual amongst employers.

"If you don't mind my asking, what is your other job? The business you run, that is." Dylan inquired.  
Phillip blushed, what if he was one of the many who disliked the circus? Well, he couldn't hide his employment forever and, frankly, he wouldn't in the first place-he was proud of the circus and anyone who disliked it wasn't worth his time anyway. "I'm one of the owners of the circus."

Dylan blinked then chuckled "Full of surprises, aren't you, posh boy? Well, that's certainly one hell of a commitment. I have to say, I've heard great things. Though I don't have the time or money to see a show." Phillip felt a lightness within him at that instant acceptance. It was something he didn't think he'd ever get used to, the blatant lack of judgement and criticism. Nevertheless he appreciated it utterly.

“Okay then, let’s talk about pay.” Dylan started.  
Phillip’s eyes widened “Oh no, the room is quite enough, thank you.” He insisted but Dylan was having none of it. “Yeah right, that rooms worth nothing. I’d give a homeless drunk that room for a week for standing on a table and doing a jig. No, I’m paying you whether you like it or not. How’s ten shillings a week along with the room for no more cost? It’s not much but hey I’m not rich.”  
“Sir, I couldn’t possibly-” Phillip protested.  
“Deal? Deal. Good, nice doing business with you, kid.” With that, Dylan walked away leaving a flustered Phillip behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a bit short :/ Is it still okay? Tell me what you think of ignoring in the comments! Thank you for reading as always! Until next week, byee!


	18. Paranoia

Phineas hummed as he walked the last little distance to the circus, feeling free and refreshed this morning. He chuckled thinking about how his joy would certainly make Phillip grumpy, especially this early in the morning. Being too loud, vibrant or cheery before at least 10am had earned him a whack from whatever item Phillip happened to be holding at the time on several occasions. Phineas chuckled again, he had a great respect for his partner and he most certainly knew that he was more than just his parents’ money and a pretty face but his abhorrence of getting up in the morning was a souvenir of wealthy life that he was sure Phillip would never part with.

Yet, walking into the area where everyone seemed to be, as they ate breakfast chatting, there was a most notable absence. Phineas frowned at that, looking around once again to see if he’d missed Phillip the first time but no. Briefly, his eyes wandered to Anne. Phillip had mentioned what had gone on between the two and for a moment he humoured the idea that maybe Phillip was avoiding her, maybe now things would be awkward and forced. He shook his head and that notion along with it. Nonsense, neither party was immature enough for that and both loved the other dearly, he had no doubts that Phillip and Anne would remain close and caring friends as always.

“Have any of you seen Phillip?” He asked, sitting down and snatching a small bit of toast from W.D.’s plate, who elbowed him lightly but otherwise didn’t seem to mind.  
“Well, nice to see you too.” Charles quipped dryly.  
“No, darling. We thought he might have been with you.” Lettie answered, with a slight worried look on her face at the revelation that no one knew where he was. They were all individual people with individual lives, of course, but there barely went a day where they didn’t meet up outside of work as well as in. They were family, after all.

Anne frowned in thought before contributing “Hey, didn’t he mention he was looking for some place to stay or something?”  
With that, Phineas’ worries subsided. Yes, he had. “Oh yes, indeed he did. When he left my house he told me he’d be doing that.”  
“When he left your house?” Charles said, wiggling his eyebrows, causing Phineas to blush at the implications but laugh along with everyone all the same. That was something he loved about them, they weren’t afraid to joke around with each other, be familiar and just jump over the stupid conventions of society to actually have a good time. For the umpteenth time Phineas felt honoured to be a part of this and these brilliant people.

“Yeah, if he’s not here by lunch maybe we should go out looking for him. But he’ll be fine, he can look after himself.” Lettie assured, comfortingly.  
“No he can’t.” W.D. snorted, causing another round of giggles.  
*******  
Phillip rushed as much as one could while still remaining dignant in their stride. He’d gotten so carried away working and socialising with the customers and his new colleagues that he’d completely lost track of time. It was now almost lunch time and he always had lunch with the circus folk, they’d be worrying where he was if he didn’t get there soon. Slightly flushed from both running and embarrassment, Phillip arrived in the bright, joyful environment of the circus, brushing off and straightening his clothes so he didn’t look all ruffled. Of course, his friends didn’t mind that but he did, old habits really did die hard.

“Phillip!” A voice cried out happily behind him, causing him to spin. That was undeniably Phineas. Phillip grinned back, not even trying to fight the power of Phineas’ contagious smile “Phin… sorry I’m late! We’re you worried about me?” He asked, concerned that he might have caused his friends unwarranted worry. Phineas shook his head “Not much. At first we were but we figured that you could probably take care of yourself. And that if you couldn’t, well, that means more money for us!” He teased, slinging an arm around Phillip’s shoulder in a show of affection to show he was kidding.

Phillip punched his side lightly but blushed all the same. This close his senses were overcome by the man: he could see bright red fabric and twinkling eyes, smell his musky dark scent, feel the his skin burning where the weight of Phineas’ arm pressed down on his back, he could head the pounding of his own heart. Goodness, what was wrong with him? Was it normal to react so strangely to a little friendly physical contact? Maybe it was just because of how he’d been deprived of affection as a child. Yes, that must be it, he decided, shaking off his foolishness.

“So how’d finding a place to stay go?” Phineas was asking and Phillip was very glad he appeared to have tuned back to reality at the exact right time.  
“Oh, right. Yes, I found a place. It’s beautiful! And they pay me to be there.” Upon seeing Phineas’ suspicious and protective frown he quickly elaborated “Oh, don’t worry it’s quite safe. It’s a room upstairs in an inn and I work mornings for the room but also get paid too.”  
Luckily, Phineas’ worried look had changed to one of incredulousness and a grin “You got a new job? Mr Carlyle I have half the mind to feel jealous!”

Phillip irrationally felt a hint of happiness and pride at the thought that Phineas might feel even the slightest bit possessive over him, even if he was only joking.  
“I may have to come and meet these people, suss then out.” He was saying.  
Phillip snorted, “Yeah right, like I’m letting you meet them. I think I’d rather actually keep the job, thank you very much.”  
Phineas gave him his big eyed innocent look “I don’t know what you mean, Phillie.”  
Phillip scrunched up his nose at that, causing Phineas to laugh, “Don’t call me that.” He whined.

By then the pair had reached the table where the others were eating, both slipping into seats amongst their friends.  
“If you two have finished flirting grab some food before it gets cold.” Anne said by way of greeting, causing Phillip to blush while the others laughed good humouredly. A sudden pang of apprehension sparked within Phillip, causing him to frown. What if Anne meant it literally? What if she still believed that he liked men like she thought when they’d broken up? What if others started getting that idea too?

He suddenly felt short of breath and panicked, his appetite dissipating even though he hadn’t eaten at all that day. Such a misunderstanding, should the press get a whiff of it, would be the ruin of him. Not only would people turn up their nose and ignore him but they’d actually actively try to hurt him, maybe the police would even come after him. Was it still illegal? Would they believe him when he told them he didn’t like men? Could people still be executed for that? He’d been sheltered from such things as a child, his parents not wanting their child to be tainted with such things. The fact that he’d not had many notable relationships and was still a single man wouldn’t support his claims. But then, didn’t he have a reputation as a player? Goodness knows how that came about but for once it’d come in useful.

Phineas squeezed his leg softly under the table, causing Phillips eyes to rise up to his, which were filled with concern, silently asking if he was okay. Phillip blushed, he was overreacting. Anne was only joking. No one suspected anything. Why’d he reacted so strongly to the mere idea? He had nothing of the sort to hide. Embarrassed but still feeling a bit too nauseous to eat, Phillip gave a small reassuring smile to show Phineas he was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back! Back again! ...no? Well, anyways, hi! I'm back! Dya miss me? Didn't think so XD Well, here's a new chapter for you. Please tell me in the comments if it's good or if I've lost my touch!


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